I Just Can't

I am not Super Woman even though I think I am. I am one person who is just trying to make it through each day. I just can't stretch myself so thin anymore. I can't work 30+ hours a week and go to school. I am one person. I am working on getting a 4.0 and right now that  seems impossible. But it isn't if I just believe in myself. I can do hard things because I have the Lord on my side. I just can't do it all anymore. My happiness has left, sadness has filled my heart.
There isn't enough time to do what I love and that's run. I can't run very well at the moment. I am strengthening my knee and leg. I hurt my leg about a month ago and it has put a dent in my running ability. I don't run because I have to. I run because it is my outlet from the world where I can get away. It has never hurt me not once. It may have given me torn ligaments and scrapped knees but in all reality that heals. Running heals the broken heart, takes away my sorrows. Running is my life. It is always there to pick me back up.
Life is hard and you just have to take it by the horns and go with it. I am not going to let you rule my life. You don't have that control anymore. I am the ruler of my own life.
I'm off to my next adventure. Until then keep the faith! Peace out cub scout! Live your dreams and don't let anyone stand in your way! You are possible! (Impossible= I'm possible)

Sense of Beloning

As I reflect on my life and school I relies that I don't belong. I relies that I am nothing special just another body in the hallway that no cares about. Just person in the class who the teacher could careless about. I don't belong in my cohort I have noticed how everyone has come from different backgrounds and not one from mine. I have never really had friends in class. This semester is really hard to be the outsider but yet I am used to it. Usually it doesn't phase me but this week it has. I have learned that sometimes you should just not say anything and just let people be people but I am not going to let someone be loud so I can't hear the professor. I am paying to get an education. I am working so hard to make money.
I hope and wish one day I will belong somewhere and not be the outsider. I know that I will be forever alone because no one wants to be with a girl who doesn't belong anywhere. I have learned that I don't matter to anyone but my family, at least I matter to them and I am good enough. I have learned over these past five months that I am not worth it or good enough. I never will be and that is fine. My parents will probably never get grand children but I guess that isn't the end of the world. I am just one person. I may not matter to anyone at school but it doesn't matter.
I have learned what its like to feel alone and having no one. I have learned how to love others even when I don't want too. I have learned how to accept being alone and that it is just how life is. I have learned that nothing is impossible you just have to work to get where you want to be. I have worked so hard to get where I am today and I really have nothing to show for it. I look at all the girls in my class and I relies that I am different I am not stuck up and I am different. This is why I have no friends. I have one friend who lives in Brigham and we get together when I come home for the weekend or the day. She is so great.
I just wish I had a sense of belonging somewhere. I wish someone would notice me and that I was good enough.
Well I am off to do homework and to study for the praxis. Have a great day! Keep the faith! Keep your chin up things can only go up from here. Peace Out Cub Scout! Over and Out!

The praxis

The praxis is like running a marathon. It's hard and it hurts when you fail. You trip and fall what do you do you get up brush off and say shoot I got to make up time and you go again. I brushed myself off and back got back up! Please stop telling me to quit trying because I won't. I am a FIGHTER!! My mom didn't raise quitters. I was last in every race until senior year. Did I quit no could I have oh yes but I kept going I kept running. I was in the middle of the pack my senior year and that was amazing to see how far I had come. It was all about the race between me and the clock!
The praxis is all a game. You win some you lose some. The praxis is a dumb standardized test but you always got to jump through the hoops. Never lose sight of the end goal! Keep the faith!
Nothing is impossible! It's only impossible if you quit!

Fear is Real!

The moment the mouse looked into my soul. I was so scared and not once did my best friend ever laugh at me, not once. Today I saw a mouse and I am truly blessed because my heavenly Father knows I am terrified of animals and he puts blinders on my eyes and ear plugs in my ears. But tonight I saw a mouse it was white with brown spots it looked right into my soul. It made eye contact with me and I started to cry I was all alone. My friend from a distance asked if I was okay and then the whole group laughed at me. You don't need to mock me because my fears are different than yours. I am human I have fears some are silly to you but a big deal to me. I remember once on my mission when I was truly blinded from the animals until we were leaving. We were cleaning this reptile house it was a members house. Let me back up a week prior the other sisters asked if we could help I asked if there would be animals oh no there won't be sister Dallon. I knew there would be. I prayed and prayed not to be scared the day comes and I am like I am confident it will be fine but no the tears come and my companion shakes me and says Sister Dallon get it together. I do my best after 15 minutes I say heavenly father I am here to serve please help me. He put a binder on my eyes I didn't see the snakes, or the mice until we were leaving.  Today as I saw this mouse it scared me so bad I'll I could do was cry and hope someone was braver than me to help me pass it. Someone came after everyone laughed at me. Today some boy came to my rescue I couldn't say anything with the tears but thanks. He said are you okay the tears fell harder. Then I realized how much my best friend my no longer best friend means to me. My heart was crying of embarrassment because the group who I thought were my friends were not. I thanked my one friend again today. He always responds and says you're welcome I get it. He never judged me. Why can't there be more people like him in this world who understand fears.
My fear of animals is real. It may be silly to you but it is so real to me I sometimes can't breathe as I am crying. It is hard but with my heavenly father I can make it through anything. Keep the faith! Work hard play hard run with all you have. Peace out cub scout. Until my next adventure. Peace and love!

The Day my Life Changed

For once in my life everything was going great. I then learned that there is bumps in the road and yes they are hard some are easier than others. I have seen how ever since I got released in March I have lost my best friend and the boy that I really like. I really liked this boy I loved the way he made me feel. He taught me how to be happy and to find the positives in life. He helped me become the person I needed to be. I learned how to love others and to see them for who they truly are. I learned that even though I am no longer with that boy and now he doesn't even speak to me. I am and never was good enough. I learned to trust and yet again I was the one who was crushed and torn apart. I learned on my mission to not trust others but with him, I knew from the moment I met him I could trust him. I let him in and I let my guard down and my walls. I really liked him so much. He was the most amazing person I have ever met. He truly changed my life. I just can't believe that one date changed it all. He was my number one. He was my best friend. I have lost him. I just wish that it could of happened differently or it wouldn't of happened at all. I was so happy when I had him in my life. I don't need a boy in my life to be happy. He was there for me when I failed my test he was there the first time, the second, third, fourth and fifth and every time since. He told me once how sorry he was as I was crying he said "You listen to me and I listen to you Jill we are a team we do things together." That was the day I knew that he was different and that no matter what I would always have him. I never thought I would lose him. The day I knew that I lost him was the day he stopped texting me and talking to me. I wish it would of happened after Peru because when I was in Peru was when I needed him the most. He was truly my best friend but April 1, 2017 everything changed. He was no longer my friend and he doesn't talk to me and I wish he just knew how bad he was truly hurting me. I loved that boy so much.Every since the day he left my life I haven't found the happiness I had while I had him in my life. He snaps me once a day to keep our streak alive. I just wish I could talk to him to let him know how I really feel. He is the most amazing person in the whole world and only deserved the best. I hope that he fines the most amazing girl in the world because that is what he truly deserves. It may not be me but that's okay. Yes it hurts but it only makes me stronger. You can only run away for so long until you have to face reality. Never give up on your dreams. Never give up even if you aren't good enough for the boy you like. Keep your chin up and move on. You are amazing and will always be good enough! Keep the faith!
Until next time! Peace out Cub scout!

Summer nightmare

This summer has been the biggest nightmare of my life. I have worked three jobs. I have one that I truly love. I work at chick fila and it's pretty legit. I wish I would of just went back to the bakery. The boy I like hates me and I can't go to church because the feeling there is terrible. I guess it is time for me to walk away for good. I wish things would of turned out differently. He was truly the most amazing young man I know. He was one I trusted he accepted me for me not once did he judge me. It never mattered to him where I came from or where I'd been. He always treated me like a princess. Then something change and that was the day my life changed. Life is hard sometimes you just have to grab it by the horns and roll with it. My life hasn't gone as I had planned. My life plan has had many bumps in the road. Here is how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to graduate high school go to college and get married and have a family. How my life has gone. I graduated my mom got terribly sick, I went to Dixie, then I went on a mission, now I have been home three years not married no college degree. Yup my life is a train wreck. Would I change it no. I have done some amazing things even though it hasn't gone as planned. I went to Peru met some great people my life has truly been changed for the better. I learned that nothing is impossible. Even on the hardest days. I am not here to complain about how hard my life is I am just here to tell you. Nothing is as it seems. Everyone fights different battles. My scars are different than yours. I wouldn't change whom I am for anything in the world. I have seen things and done things I never thought imaginable.
Keep the faith! Keep your chin up! Work hard, play hard, run harder. Never lose sight of the end goal. Until next time. Over and out! Peace out cub scout!

Two Weeks Changed my Life

The last two weeks have truly changed my life. I have learned so many things. I have seen how hard it is to not understand the language. The journey has been so hard but it has been totally worth it. I noticed today as I looked for the positive that everything works out better. I learned that I want to be a better person. I am going to be more positive. I have been with a negative Nancy for the past two weeks and I have come to see how you can only handle so much. People don't deserve that. You can be unhappy but you can choose to be happy. It is a choice. I have seen how negativity affects everyone not just you. I am so thankful for all the adventures I have had. My life has truly been changed for the best. I have seen how hard struggles can help mold you into the person you were meant to be. I have come to see that things that I never thought were possible were.
I wouldn't be where I am today with out my Wonderful​ parents. They taught me to live my life and follow my heart and I have done just that. I am so thankful that they let me go to Peru. I know it wasn't the easiest especially with all the Drs visits that I had to get here.
This experience has truly changed me! Life is hard but it is worth it in the end. I am finally understanding why my life is turning out different than I planned. Life is a rollercoaster. Hand on tight and go for the ride​, it's worth it.
Keep the faith! Off to bed! Living the dream and keeping the Faith. Until next time! Peace out cub scout!

The Day they Left Me to Fly

I remember a day when they left me at a place I never thought possible. I cried for weeks because I knew I wouldn't see them for a long time! They hugged me and said return with honor and I did just that. They left me a week ago at the airport in the security line and said we'll see you soon. I didn't comprehend the adventures I was going on. It didn't seem real I got to Peru and that still seemed so surreal. As I sat alone for a day that was when I knew I was on my own and no one cared. I knew my parents did. I knew they did because they left me at the airport to embark on my Peru Adventure. I love that they let me go to Peru to see the schools here. I loved to see the students there they were so loving. I don't speak the language but it is amazing to see how they love to have visitors.
I am so thankful that my parents let me go. They got me all set to go. They helped me pack. They got me all ready. When they left the security line. I knew that for once in my life that nothing is impossible. I am so thankful that they let me spread my wings to fly and are willing to pick up the pieces when I fall.
I am off to bed! Keep the faith! Never lose sight of the end goal. Work hard play hard run runner. Peace out Cub scout!

Double Life

My double life. I once had someone tell me I have a double life you know what I do. You can take the girl from Brigham City but you can't take the City from the girl. I have two lives one up there and one in Utah County. I walked away from my Brigham life in 2016 I go back because it is a comfort place. It helps me know that I am a person and I can be who I need to be. My life has changed being in Utah County it has made me a better person and a stronger one. I have seen how one choice can make the world of difference and how it can change your life for the worst or the better. I had this friend who I trusted who has helped me along the way and something has changed now we don't talk. He doesn't even give me the time of day. He taught me that every time you trust someone they turn around and walk away. I lost my best friend. I asked to be released from my calling because I couldn't do it because he wouldn't help me and I couldn't take the tears anymore. After I got released from the Relief Society Presidency our relationship changed. I was worried that it would and it changed for the worst. I lost my best friend someone who didn't judge me and accepted me for me, it never mattered to him where I came from or where I have been. He listened to me rant and complain about the silly things that bother me. I know they were silly to him but yet he listened.
You may think I live a double life but you have to know that Brigham was my comfort zone I know it like the back of my hand. My friends are there and my old job and job family is there. I know that I am one person and I have to chose which life I want to live. I can't run away from Utah County because life gets hard. My mom didn't raise quitters! We fight hard to get where we want to be. Money doesn't grow on trees you have to work hard to get what you want. I work because I know how and I know how important it is. Life is hard and Karma is a beast it bite back hard.
Brigham is a part of me. You can take the Girl from Brigham City but you can't take the City from the girl. If you don't accept both of my lives walk out of my life because I will always have a love for Brigham city.
My life has not been how I had my life plan but I wouldn't change how it turned out for anything in the world. I have had some amazing experiences. Life is hard but never lose sight of the end goal. Nothing is impossible. Keep the faith! Run hard play hard but RUN HARDER!

I didn't like the outcome.

The Doctor says one thing one month then something else the next. I am done you are not helping me, you are scaring me. I don't sleep at night because I am scared I am going to die on my flight to Peru or home because I am at high risk for a blood clot. I pretend I am okay when in all reality I am not and I am done faking it. My left foot is swollen some days I can't fit it in my running shoe so I force it in and pretend it doesn't hurt and when it hurts so bad I want to die I run harder because I think the faster I run the less it will hurt. I will take the pain after like a champ. I am done with the tears. I am done with this fight.
The Doctor says I need to go to the surgeon the next month he just wants to laser my foot to take the pain away is that going to take away my being tired all the time. I have to take a nap during the day just to make it through. I have never been so tired in my life. I have learned that you just have to pretend you aren't tired and keep moving on and push through it. It is easier some days. It is all just how you look at it.
I don't like the outcome but it is what it is! Keep Believing! Never Give Up!!!
I trusted that doctor and he has done nothing for me gave me some nasty medicine that makes me sick and then a supplement that is so terrible I would rather kill myself than take it, thank goodness I ran out of it. I am tired of being tired and not feeling good. I tell everyone I am fine when I know I am not but I don't want sympathy. I wake up early so I can fit everything in in a day. I have to much I want to accomplish before I die.
I am so excited to go to Peru. I am a little nervous but it will be an adventure. It will be so great to see how others learn. I am so thankful for my parents and their willingness to let me go. You better believe it I have worked hard to get where I am today. I am paying for Peru by myself. I am so thankful that my parents taught me to be a hard worker and responsible. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't of taught us that.
Life is full of disappointment it is all in how you take it. I had a best friend who I truly trusted and told him a lot about my life. I should of remembered every time I trust someone they leave or I have to distance myself from them. Well he was one of the first people I trusted since my mission it took him 10 months to gain that trust and he lost it within a week. I sometimes wish I didn't trust people because then there is less disappointment and you don't expect anything from anyone.
I am fighting an uphill battle one that I feel like will never end. I have lost sight of the end goal. I should of taken the other job and worked two jobs. It isn't worth being down in Utah County anymore. No one cares the tears fall and no one ever knows. I don't let them see the weak side of me because I am not WEAK! My mom didn't raise weak sauce children she raised STRONG FIGHTERS! I just have to keep fighting! She didn't raise no quitter because if she did I wouldn't be where I am today!
I never realized how good I had it until it was all gone. Life changes and you have to know what battles you want to fight and the ones you need to walk away from. I have learned over this past month that I need to walk away from something that meant so much to me. I am walking away because I will never be good enough for him. I will never deserve someone like him. I have learned that I am low life soap scum but its fine, I just wish one day he will understand how much he really did mean to me.
They always say one door closes another one opens. I hope so we shall see. I am off to another day in the life of Jill! No disappointment today! Live the dream! Dance like no one is watching! ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!  If someone can't see it they aren't worth it.
Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout!

I miss the North Dakota Sunsets

Grand Forks North Dakota

North Dakota sunsets please come back to me. Even on the hardest days I always knew the sun would set. The same sun that shined on me was shining on my family. It took care of them for me while I was away. Today as I saw the sunset tears came to my eyes because I for once truly missed the mission. I miss the sunsets that came on the days that I thought life was impossible. I am sad today that life defeated me. I know I need to keep fighting to take those test! One more time is all I need I got this! I am going to win this! I am Jill Dallon I will never stop trying! Never lose faith in the simple things. I miss the sunsets. I miss the cool breeze. I miss the humidity. I just miss North Dakota please take me back. I want to be there, I want to see the people I love. Why did I think Peru was a good idea I should of saved my money to go to North Dakota. I never thought I would miss it!
Life is hard at times but you can't give up on the fight. Keep your chin up! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem impossible but there is always a way. With Christ anything is possible. I know that to be true because if it wasn't I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be who I am today. I have fought different battles than you, you fight different ones than me.
I miss the sunsets they are a blessing in my life! Its the simple things that matter the most. Sunsets are amazing because they are full of color. I just wish everyone could see them as I do. Everyday is a new adventure! Spring is just a around the corner. I am so excited. Keep the faith! Sunsets are amazing! Take the time to enjoy them. I know it is easier said then done! Don't lose sight of the end goal! You are loved!

American Fork Utah

Are you okay?!

NO I AM NOT so please stop asking! Honestly I hate that question. The tears come and I think I have myself together and it comes again and they fall. I am not okay. I am fighting so hard for something that means so much to me. It isn't worth the fight anymore. I quit my job, I am getting released from my calling, I am getting to close to a boy I like that will never like me, and I am not passing the tests I need. I am done fighting the losing fight. I am running back to what I know. I am running back to the bakery because it is safe there and I know it. I have stepped out of my box and my shell and I am going back to it.

The frustration comes and it goes the tears come and go it doesn't make it any better. Losing the light at the end of the tunnel. The test aren't impossible they are just a different battle for everyone for me it is an uphill battle. I have taken it 10 times I have taken classes gotten different books and studied my little heart out. I missed spending time with my family because I had to study and now I see all the fun I missed. My heart is sad but I am ready to walk away knowing that I tried. I fought a hard hard fight. I am giving up. I will win another battle. Teaching is just not for me and that is totally fine, it isn't for everybody.
I go home from a test just defeated and my aunts answer is going shopping and I just want to cry my eyes out because I know that I am the dumbest person in the world. I had a friend once call me dumb all the time maybe he was right. We go shopping it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse because she is buying me stuff and she doesn't really need to. She does it because it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse. I really appreciate it I do. It helps numb the pain a little bit but the defeat is still there. No one understands how bad it hurts. They all tell me sorry and that I have tried so hard. It isn't meant to be a wise man once sang, "you got to know when you hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run". It is time to walk away and say its alright my life is just going in a different direction than I would of anticipated. Is that bad no. Am I okay not right now but I will be. It will take time but it will heal the broken heart. The tears will stop and the smile will shine through again. It will take a few days but anything is possible if you believe in your dreams.
Follow your heart! It always know where its supposed to go. Sometimes it isn't where you want to go it is in a completely different direction. Let go and move one don't let the past hold you back there is no point in looking back. Look for the future! Look for the Positive! These test I can't pass don't say I am stupid they just say I learn different than others.
Keep the faith! Life sucks sometimes but you will make it. You have before. For Pete sake you lived through a mission this is nothing compared to that. You got this you are smart, you are loved! Keep your Chin Up! Don't lose sight of the end goal!

Does the Savior really know me?

Today my prayers have been answered I got everything I ever wanted for the past year. I wanted to be released from my calling and now that it's reality my heart is crying so hard. I loved to complain about how imperfect those sweet sisters where. I not once thought I was imperfect I know I am.
I got the news today my heart is crying, for two reasons. First, because it's over. I never knew how much I loved my calling until it was taken from me. I have grown closer to my Savior what people don't know. When I got this calling I was angry at the world and wanted to die. Many times I prayed to die. I pleaded to have my heavenly Father take me away from my life. That wasn't his plan. He gave me this calling to strengthen me to help me come back to him, and to keep me active.
Secondly, I will miss the closeness I have felt with the Lord. When I first started this calling I remember going on visits Thursday nights. I remember the second time I went. I met this boy we talked outside my car for awhile. Right before we went our separate ways the words Dallin can I hug you came out of my mouth, I didn't even register what I said until I was hugging him. That was the day I knew my heavenly Father loved me. He always has and always will. That was the day I felt like no one cared and I was worthless. But that day I knew Dallin did, he truly cared about me at that moment I knew heavenly Father knew me. Heavenly Father put Dallin in my life when I needed someone the most. When I was in the lowest part of my life Dallin walked in. I have had a crush on this boy. He is the sweetest thing on the planet. I know that I will never be good enough for him. He deserves only the best. He is so amazing. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to know this boy and to have had this calling.
My life has been changed for the better. Dallin taught me so much while I was in this calling. When I felt alone Dallin would always ask how I was doing. He helped me so much. Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. He took away my calling and Dallin.
I know my heavenly Father is just shaping me into who he wants me to be. I hope one day to be good enough for someone. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have had to be apart of the relief society presidency.
I am off to my next adventure. Keep the faith! The Lord knows best! He will always love you no matter what even when you feel unlovable he will love you. He has wrapped his arms around me a few times this past month but today I feel them the strongest. Never lose sight of the end goal.

Cancer takes the Strong People

Cancer takes the strongest people. They fight for days, months, and years. They keep sight of the end goal they never stop fighting. They go through treatment and more treatment is it worth it yes and no. It makes them better the pain it causes them isn't worth it. I remember vividly January 17, 2008 it was a Thursday. That was the day my best friend was diagnosed with pnemioa. What they didn't know for about a month it was lung cancer. She went through treatment and was strong. She went into surgery to get part of her right lung removed. They said she would make it. She didn't make it. It was so sad to me to watch her die. It was a struggle. My life has changed I lost my best friend. I now run the American Fork Utah half marathon to find a cure for cancer. I miss her everyday. She taught me many things. The memories I have of her are my favorite.
My old boss's cancer has came back she is going through treatment again. She is a fighter. She keeps going strong even on the hard days she is still positive about it. She has never once said why me. She just says yeah it sucks but I will conquer it again. She is truly an amazing lady and such a great example to me. She helped me find happiness in a job and she knew that when I left I was ready to spread my wings and fly.
Cancer takes the strongest people. The people I love the most. Not a day goes by I don't think of my Grandma I wish she knew how much I love her. I take her flowers. She was amazing. She never stopped fighting.
Cancer doesn't choose favorites! Keep the faith and never lose sight of the end goal!

CNA Life

I work in the health care field people come and go. People die and its hard to watch them suffer and then I see when they finally let go and move on to the other side. Some come into our hearts and never leave watching them suffer jerks at the heart. I am so thankful for the plan of salvation. I wish everyone in the world truly knew about it. It gets me through my hard days. Sometimes I think back to when I was in my teenage years my best friend was my Grandma! I watched her suffer and leave this world 9 years ago. May 22, 2008 was the day my life changed forever I lost my best friend and no one was ever going to fill that void. Working as a CNA has changed my life. I have been adopted by some of the residents they take me in as one of their own. I love this one man so very much he just melts my heart with his smile. He is so funny. He told me I would die before him and I said okay I'll be waiting for you. I told him the other day if he dies before me to say hi to my grandma for me and he said she would be so proud of you. He is quite the character.
I wouldn't change my decision about being a CNA for anything. I love helping people and serving them because that is what my mom taught me to do. I learned that even though people come and go the ones you truly love will always have a place in your heart. I love my job! It has molded me into the person that I need to become. It has helped me learn to love people for who they truly are. I am so thankful for all I have in my life. Even when the going gets tough the tough get going. I have learned to follow my heart and my dreams and not give up. Life is hard but it is worth the fight. I see these people fight so hard to live and I am upset that my yellow pants are ruined that is so little compared to them who worry about seeing the sunshine tomorrow.
CNA life is amazing! I love it and hate it! It is hard but it teaches me to love unconditionally like the savior does.
Death is a normal thing it is hard it doesn't get easier you just have to know that there is life after death and you will see them again. Because families can be together forever!

Is it worth it?!

It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't have a degree. It helps you get a real person job but if your heart isn't into it, it isn't worth it. Lately, people have been asking me if I am doing to change my major because I can't pass a test answer NO! Do I want to teach the rest of my life I think so but I do know that once I get my degree I can follow my heart and move to Rhode Island and work as a teacher and at a bakery.
You can take the bakery from the girl but you can't take the baker or the happiness. It is so hard for me to concentrate when I don't want to go to school. I don't understand what is on the page I am supposed to read. The words don't make sense I can sit and stare at it for hours on end and still get nothing out of it. I study so hard and yet my grades don't show it. I ask teachers for help and they don't want to help. I am asking for help and when I come to you for help I am low and need it. I don't ask unless I physically can't do it anymore. Is this something to keep fighting for. 3 more semesters I keep telling myself, The adventures it is going to take me on is endless. I just have to keep believing in myself because nobody else will.
Keep the Faith! Don't lose sight of the end goal! The end is near! I AM A FIGHTER! NOT A QUITTER!