Are you okay?!

NO I AM NOT so please stop asking! Honestly I hate that question. The tears come and I think I have myself together and it comes again and they fall. I am not okay. I am fighting so hard for something that means so much to me. It isn't worth the fight anymore. I quit my job, I am getting released from my calling, I am getting to close to a boy I like that will never like me, and I am not passing the tests I need. I am done fighting the losing fight. I am running back to what I know. I am running back to the bakery because it is safe there and I know it. I have stepped out of my box and my shell and I am going back to it.

The frustration comes and it goes the tears come and go it doesn't make it any better. Losing the light at the end of the tunnel. The test aren't impossible they are just a different battle for everyone for me it is an uphill battle. I have taken it 10 times I have taken classes gotten different books and studied my little heart out. I missed spending time with my family because I had to study and now I see all the fun I missed. My heart is sad but I am ready to walk away knowing that I tried. I fought a hard hard fight. I am giving up. I will win another battle. Teaching is just not for me and that is totally fine, it isn't for everybody.
I go home from a test just defeated and my aunts answer is going shopping and I just want to cry my eyes out because I know that I am the dumbest person in the world. I had a friend once call me dumb all the time maybe he was right. We go shopping it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse because she is buying me stuff and she doesn't really need to. She does it because it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse. I really appreciate it I do. It helps numb the pain a little bit but the defeat is still there. No one understands how bad it hurts. They all tell me sorry and that I have tried so hard. It isn't meant to be a wise man once sang, "you got to know when you hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run". It is time to walk away and say its alright my life is just going in a different direction than I would of anticipated. Is that bad no. Am I okay not right now but I will be. It will take time but it will heal the broken heart. The tears will stop and the smile will shine through again. It will take a few days but anything is possible if you believe in your dreams.
Follow your heart! It always know where its supposed to go. Sometimes it isn't where you want to go it is in a completely different direction. Let go and move one don't let the past hold you back there is no point in looking back. Look for the future! Look for the Positive! These test I can't pass don't say I am stupid they just say I learn different than others.
Keep the faith! Life sucks sometimes but you will make it. You have before. For Pete sake you lived through a mission this is nothing compared to that. You got this you are smart, you are loved! Keep your Chin Up! Don't lose sight of the end goal!

Does the Savior really know me?

Today my prayers have been answered I got everything I ever wanted for the past year. I wanted to be released from my calling and now that it's reality my heart is crying so hard. I loved to complain about how imperfect those sweet sisters where. I not once thought I was imperfect I know I am.
I got the news today my heart is crying, for two reasons. First, because it's over. I never knew how much I loved my calling until it was taken from me. I have grown closer to my Savior what people don't know. When I got this calling I was angry at the world and wanted to die. Many times I prayed to die. I pleaded to have my heavenly Father take me away from my life. That wasn't his plan. He gave me this calling to strengthen me to help me come back to him, and to keep me active.
Secondly, I will miss the closeness I have felt with the Lord. When I first started this calling I remember going on visits Thursday nights. I remember the second time I went. I met this boy we talked outside my car for awhile. Right before we went our separate ways the words Dallin can I hug you came out of my mouth, I didn't even register what I said until I was hugging him. That was the day I knew my heavenly Father loved me. He always has and always will. That was the day I felt like no one cared and I was worthless. But that day I knew Dallin did, he truly cared about me at that moment I knew heavenly Father knew me. Heavenly Father put Dallin in my life when I needed someone the most. When I was in the lowest part of my life Dallin walked in. I have had a crush on this boy. He is the sweetest thing on the planet. I know that I will never be good enough for him. He deserves only the best. He is so amazing. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to know this boy and to have had this calling.
My life has been changed for the better. Dallin taught me so much while I was in this calling. When I felt alone Dallin would always ask how I was doing. He helped me so much. Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. He took away my calling and Dallin.
I know my heavenly Father is just shaping me into who he wants me to be. I hope one day to be good enough for someone. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have had to be apart of the relief society presidency.
I am off to my next adventure. Keep the faith! The Lord knows best! He will always love you no matter what even when you feel unlovable he will love you. He has wrapped his arms around me a few times this past month but today I feel them the strongest. Never lose sight of the end goal.