When I thought I had everything going right for me in my life I always get a little bit of a slap in the face or you could say a huge slap in the face. This past week I took a test that will get me into the Elementary Education program. It is a four section test. I went to find the testing center with my friend the night before and he told me that I could do it and pass all of them and I believed him. I believed him because he has never lied to me before. I went in thinking man I got this the only section I was truly worried about was the math. Lucky for me I passed that the first time. The other ones I am back to the drawing board. I just remember coming out of the test feeling defeated and I couldn't face the world. I remember the feelings of discouragement and feeling worthless but that was nothing new. I snap chatted my best friend then we went and got frozen yogurt together. He listened to me complain and saw me at the lowest time in my life. I was so upset. I was ready to give up and he was there to pick me up when I had no one. No one was home and I was in no condition to drive to Brigham and I didn't want to be alone. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes were red and puffy. He made time for me I know he had better things to do than to listen to me be upset about how stupid and dumb I felt. Not once did he call me stupid or dumb. He said Jill you'll get them next time. It's okay we can try again. I didn't care that we didn't talk for a bit it was just having someone near was all that I needed. He helped me feel like I matter and that it didn't matter that I didn't pass. It wasn't the end of the world but really it was.I am done fighting this fight that doesn't seem like it is going to end. I am doing my best I just get upset when my best isn't good enough. IT never is good enough. I am never good enough!
I feel like no one cares. No one knows the struggles I am struggling no one is here to hear my cries. No one knows how broken my heart truly is. I hate when you do your best and it just isn't good enough. I have done my best and most of the time it hasn't been good enough but right now. I am defeated and done. I can't keep fighting because it isn't worth it anymore. The only thing worth fighting for is staying strong and not letting people see the discouraged me and letting them know that I will bounce back to the happy girl I used to be. It is so hard to pretend to be happy when you aren't. I tell myself I am fine everyday because the more I tell myself that the more I believe it. Life is hard we just can't let it get us down. I know it is easier said than done. Keep fighting for what you want. Don't quit because it seems impossible. I have learned through my short life of living the things that seem impossible are the greatest blessings.
Live the dream! Go on adventures often never give up the fight. It will be worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout! Until next time.
