Some days

(I wrote this back in August when I was struggling my faith, my happiness and find out who I truly am and what I can truly become. For once I have finally found out that I am really worth it. I am finding my happiness again because I am taking care of me!)

Some days in life you feel worthless, not good enough and that you don't matter. I am here to tell you those days come and go but it is worth the battle. Keep fighting for what you want. If you can't stop thinking about it don't stop working for it. Life is hard. There are days you just want to cry your eyes out. It's okay to cry because tears are prayers when we can't speak.  Just cry it all out and don't cry over it again. I have learned that a lot this past week. Not that my life is any harder than anyone else I just have to fight different battles. I have to be my own super hero. I am my own best friend. Because in all reality I am all I have. I know that because that is always how it's been.
For once I wish I was good enough. I wish I was good enough for the boy I liked for once I just want to be worth it. Worth it to someone. 

December 8th will be the day....

December 8th will be the day my life changes forever! I will pass my test all three of them. I will show them! I will pass if not then the bakery life is for me. I am fighting so hard this is the time that my life is going to change. Its all or nothing! Its now or never! No more fun and games this is serious this is my future! I HAVE TO PASS! I WILL PASS! Say an extra prayer or two for me please! Lets win this fight!
As I prepare to take it this time I don't have someone telling me everyday that I am stupid or making a huge mistake. You know what I am smart I just learn differently than you. I fight so hard for what I want. I will go far in life if I just believe in myself. Because if I can't believe in myself how am I supposed to expect others to believe in me?
We all fight different battles I see that everyday in life. Right now my biggest battle is the Praxis it is just a hurdle I have to jump over. It will happen in the right timing. This test has taught me so much. It has taught me that I am smart because I passed Math the first time. The other ones are a struggle but knowing that I have my family on my side anything is possible. I have struggled with this test since July 15. Not anymore December 8th is the day that I conquer it!
This is to my future! Nothing is going to stand in my way not even me. I am going to jump over this hurdle and win this battle. 2018 I will be a College Graduate! I will have a degree and be able to teach elementary school and show those little kids what it is like to have a dream and to reach it. I will show them what it is like to be loved and to know that anything is possible. IMPOSSIBLE = I'M POSSIBLE!
Run like you have no tomorrow, dance to the beat of your own drum. Most importantly have fun and follow your heart and listen to it, it is always right even when you have to do tough things. Keep fighting the fight it will look up. I promise because I have learned that over this past month when I had to fight the hardest battle of letting go of my best friend!
Keep the Faith! I am off to my next adventure! Don't lose sight of the GOAL! Please say an extra prayer or two for me to pass please! Until next time Peace Out Cub Scout!

I have missed the FUN these past five months!

My road to recovery, it is not an easy one. Last night I realized how much fun I have missed these last five months. I miss going to dances and just jumping up and down and not caring what people think about me. When the song bulletproof came on that is when I knew it was time to let go! I am bullet proof. I am Titanium. I love that song. It changed the way I have been thinking about life. Nothing can hurt me unless I let it. That boy is toxic he never cared. He never respected me and now he defiantly doesn't. I have been blinded for so long but now I am ready to move on! I finally felt like the girl I used to be. The one who loved going to dances and having fun. I love to just let the beat of the music get into me. I dance like no one is watching. Dancing to the beat of my own drum.
I am Jill Dallon I have so much going for me. Why am I so willing to give it up for someone who will never care? I am a fighter, I will accomplish many things in life! I will be the girl I am meant to be. I am growing into the person I need to be. I have learned so much over this past few months. It has been so hard but it is my fault and now I am ready to become who I know I can be.
My life is finally starting to turn around for the better. I got into the Elementary Education Program that is truly a blessing in my life. I may be on probation for a semester but I will show them I can do it. I am a fighter. I am not a quitter. I am so excited I can finally see the end of this dark tunnel. The sun is starting to shine. My smile is coming back! I am finally starting to feel like me again.
I don't have very many friends but at least I know I have my smile.
I had a resident say to me Jill you always call me sunshine can I call you cupcake? Sure then later that day she was like actually moon glow because you have a glow about you. I don't exactly know what it is but you have a glow about you, you are the sweetest thing. It melted my heart because she doesn't know the battle I am fighting on the inside. The Pure Love of Christ is starting to come back into my life and I am so grateful for that!
Follow your heart! LIVE YOUR DREAM! Don't let anyone tell you, that it is impossible because it isn't you can do whatever you put your mind to! Keep the Faith and Stay Strong. You always find answers to your prayers in the weirdest ways or in the ways that you least expect. It is time to let go and move on! Here is to the rest of my life! Goodbye to the negative! HELLO to the positive!
Off to my next adventure!

The Girl Who Lost Her SMILE!

The girl I am now? What happened to me!?
Can you see the difference!?

I'm one person! I make mistakes I let people in. I let one in who took my smile away for five months. I let him use and abuse me and now I am trying to let go but something tells me to keep holding on. He is a jerk. He is so mean to me. Because of him I'll always be afraid to let people in. He hurt my feelings more than once .He hurt me! He makes me feel worthless. It's all because I let him. I trusted him I told him so many things. I let him see a glimpse of the real me, he thinks he knows me and he has the wrong idea!  As I let go I see that we truly weren't friends, I was just someone who fed his ego. We spent so much time together and not spending time with him I have so much time to do what I want to do. I do homework. But for once I can finally do the things that I love to do! 

I changed who I was so we could be friends! He told me the top five things that he hated about me and they were the most important things to me. He hates 1. That I love to run! 2. I love the color yellow. 3. I drive a grandma car. 4. My car smells like weed. 5. That I burp so much! Number 5 is the only really valid one! I wish he truly knew the real me and not the one he thinks he knows. He frustrates me but now I deserve everything  I got because I let him control me! I was his puppet.

I lost my smile. Trying to find it and bring it back is really hard. He thinks I am a girl that I am not. He isn't worth my time or effort. Now I am getting everything I deserve. Treated like I am worthless and I'll never be good enough. It's true I never will be but once I find my smile I'll be good enough for me. I'll be able to love myself. Once I can do that again life with get easier and be better. Why was I so dumb? Why did I let him in? I was the fool! I am dying inside. When I was on my mission I had a purpose to live and to keep going but now I don't see the purpose! I am ready to let go and give up everything that I have worked so hard for. Why did I get involved with him? What was I think? I was thinking for once I was good enough for someone. It wasn't true I wasn't good enough nothing new I will never be good enough! I am losing an uphill battle! I keep fighting it isn't getting me anywhere. He made me push people away. I pushed away the people who mean the most in my life. 

It could be worse. I could of been hit by a semi oh wait that almost happened a week ago. I wish for once I was good enough for someone other than my family. If you can't stop thinking about it don't stop working for it! Life is hard but as you keep fighting the uphill battle anything is possible! Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE! Impossible equals I'm Possible! 

I hope to find my smile soon! If you could send a few prayers my way that would be greatly appreciated. I am over this endless fight. I wish it would end. I am taking my life by the reigns and I am letting go of the negative and bringing in the positive. I will make it where I want to be one day. I have a long road to recovery. 

The girl I used to be! I was happy once!

Off to my next adventure. Peace out cub scout! Never give up! Keep the faith! 

My Best Pal!

I have a best friend someone who I truly trust. Someone who will do anything for me to make sure I am alright. He is always there when I need a friend. He goes with me to Richfield to get a silly pattern to him it was probably so silly, but to me it meant the world. He takes time out of his busy life to spend with me. He isn't afraid to tell me how he really feels. He has taught me so much this summer he has been the one who was there when I didn't pass my test the first or second time. He was the one who wiped away my tears when I let my guard down and let him see the real me. He asked me if I was okay, I couldn't say anything I put my face in my hands and just cried. He listens to me. He doesn't try to solve my problems he just listens then when I am ready he helps me solve them. He tells me things I truly don't want to hear but I know I need to. I am so thankful to have him as my best friend. He takes such good care of me. He is amazing. I am so blessed to have him in my life. He is a champ. We work together and go on adventures to. He is something else that is for sure. He makes my heart happy even when my life seems to be crashing down he holds it up until I can handle life again. He is definitely an answer to my prayers. I prayed for a long time to find a friend. I found him when I needed someone the most. I trust him like I have never trusted anyone before. He is amazing. I am so sad I am the one leaving. I am sad I have to go to school but he is the one that told me to live for me. It breaks my heart to see how it is going to tear us apart. He reads me like an open book. He knows me better than I know myself. He is one of the most amazing people I know. I wish he could see what I see in him. He has truly blessed my life, just by being in it. He has brought the pure love of Christ back into my life. He has taught me what is it like to have a friend and to have fun. He taught me that it truly doesn't matter what people think of you. It just matters what you think of yourself.
This man is truly my best friend! I love him! I couldn't ask for a better friend. He is AMAZING! 

Alaska!!

Alaska is an amazing place!! I went to see my brother for his birthday!! It was so fun to see him in his natural element. He is driving a bus up in Ketchikan. He came and picked us up from the airport in a trolley!!! He waited for us on the other side of the ocean. He picked us up from the ferry station! It was pretty fun to ride a ferry. We went zip lining, fishing and to the totem pole park. We got to ride in a trolley and in a bus that he drives. It was the best to see him. I have  missed him so much. Ever since 2008 we have been apart. He went on his mission and when he came home I lived in St. George and went to school then I went on my mission in 2013. When I came back he was in Logan living his dream. Then he went to Alaska last summer and this summer. I wish we didn't have to grow up and go our separate ways but I know that is how life is. This brother of mine is a champ. He is a fighter he never gives up and always has a smile on his face. I hope one day to be ask wonderful as he is.
Alaska is a super beautiful place. It is so green the ocean is beautiful. It was so great to go and get away from everyday life and to just live and be free. Being there was great getting there was great coming home I was worried he weren't going to make it. I just remember my brother always being the calm one and me always being the crazy one who panics. The Lumber Jack show was awesome they had a lady name Lumber Jack Jill. So of course I had to get a picture with her to send to my best friend! Two Jill's right in a row it was almost as good as Christmas! I am so glad I got to spend sometime with my brother before school started and to see him on his birthday! I love him! He is so great! Adventures of the summer seeing my brother was the best! I loved fishing with him and visiting with him. I am sure he had many other things to do than see and visit me but I love that he took time to see me. What a stud!
Well I guess I am off to my next adventure that is to find something to eat for lunch. Until next time Peace out cub scout! Keep the faith!

I did my BEST it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH!

When I thought I had everything going right for me in my life I always get a little bit of a slap in the face or you could say a huge slap in the face. This past week I took a test that will get me into the Elementary Education program. It is a four section test. I went to find the testing center with my friend the night before and he told me that I could do it and pass all of them and I believed him. I believed him because he has never lied to me before. I went in thinking man I got this the only section I was truly worried about was the math. Lucky for me I passed that the first time. The other ones I am back to the drawing board. I just remember coming out of the test feeling defeated and I couldn't face the world. I remember the feelings of discouragement and feeling worthless but that was nothing new. I snap chatted my best friend then we went and got frozen yogurt together. He listened to me complain and saw me at the lowest time in my life. I was so upset. I was ready to give up and he was there to pick me up when I had no one. No one was home and I was in no condition to drive to Brigham and I didn't want to be alone. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes were red and puffy. He made time for me I know he had better things to do than to listen to me be upset about how stupid and dumb I felt. Not once did he call me stupid or dumb. He said Jill you'll get them next time. It's okay we can try again. I didn't care that we didn't talk for a bit it was just having someone near was all that I needed. He helped me feel like I matter and that it didn't matter that I didn't pass. It wasn't the end of the world but really it was.I am done fighting this fight that doesn't seem like it is going to end. I am doing my best I just get upset when my best isn't good enough. IT never is good enough. I am never good enough!

I feel like no one cares. No one knows the struggles I am struggling no one is here to hear my cries. No one knows how broken my heart truly is. I hate when you do your best and it just isn't good enough. I have done my best and most of the time it hasn't been good enough but right now. I am defeated and done. I can't keep fighting because it isn't worth it anymore. The only thing worth fighting for is staying strong and not letting people see the discouraged me and letting them know that I will bounce back to the happy girl I used to be. It is so hard to pretend to be happy when you aren't. I tell myself I am fine everyday because the more I tell myself that the more I believe it. Life is hard we just can't let it get us down. I know it is easier said than done. Keep fighting for what you want. Don't quit because it seems impossible. I have learned through my short life of living the things that seem impossible are the greatest blessings.
Live the dream! Go on adventures often never give up the fight. It will be worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout! Until next time.

DREAM COME TRUE!

I finally lived my childhood dream! I went to Rhode Island and it was just as I imagined it was so beautiful! I went with a girl from work. My dad has told me for many years that we don't have any money for that so with my tax returns I went. We rode the train to Boston Massachusetts it was amazing to me to see how close everything was to Rhode Island. It is the smallest state. People there asked why we were there and I was like it has always been my dream to go so we came. They looked at me like what is wrong with you. The people there are so nice and loving. I love how kind they were you best bet I snap chatted so much. I loved to see the ocean, the mansions were the most amazing things ever. I am so thankful that I got to see them. We went to a vineyard and it was so awesome. They have 64,000 acres of grapes. I loved learning how it was made and how it has to be kept at different temperatures for different kinds.
It was so green there. I love it there. I want to move there once I finish school it has always been my dream to live there. Why I don't know. Dreams do come true you just have to work to get them. I learned that being there nothing was impossible. Coming home was so hard for me. My heart was so sad. It was so happy to go and to live a little. I have been happy in life and I am happy for the most part but being there it was like there was no worry in the world, even though there was a few it was so great to just go and live my childhood dream. The ocean was beautiful the harbors made my heart smile. I haven't been that happy in a long time. When we got back I got into a dark slump and only a few people knew it my family and this kid at work. I don't know how he knew but he was so nice to me and willing to help me out. He is an interesting character. He cracks me up. Rhode Island is amazing! I know people think I am crazy for wanting to go there and that is quite alright with me. I am just so thankful I got to go and to see the world. I can't wait to go back.
I learned to go and live my dreams and to not let anything stand in my way. Follow your heart! Until next time Peace Out Cub Scout!

A Place I Never thought I would Love is a Place I Love

A place I love is Fargo North Dakota I never in a million years would of thought that it would be one of my favorite places in this world, I served my mission there and it was so hard! I had a heck of a time. I had a mission president who hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I knew I was supposed to serve I served with all I had. I wanted to go home so many times.
I went and ran the Fargo half marathon. I know that seems crazy to many of you but it meant the world to me to go back and see the things I have missed. I never knew how much I loved it there until I was back on my home ground of the mission. The good memories flooded my mind the bad ones didn't. I saw two people who I served with. They were the important ones. I ran the half with all I had I was slower than I wanted to be but I did my best. The memories came back and my heart was happy again. It has been sad for awhile and no one knows that. Running that half helped me realize that anything is possible. My parents drove cross country to take me there. There was over 10,000 people there. The love you feel in that town is a love that I can not explain to you. Seeing the streets I used to walk the church I used to tape my heels at. Oh the great time I had while I was there in 2013 and 2014. I never thought I would say that I am glad I went back.
Fargo has a special place in my heart the people that took me in the people that treated me with respect when the mission president didn't. Those people loved me for me the craziness and all. Fargo is a random place to want to run a half marathon to you but to me it was returning to a place that helped mold me into the person I need to become.  It helped me know that the whole world didn't hate me even though I thought it did and was pretty sure.
I saw Momma Deem from Grand Forks she is an amazing lady who helped me finish the mission strong there was no giving up with her around. Papa Rote was the other person I saw and visited with. He is a man of many talents he took care of the sister missionaries. He dropped everything to help us. I remember in my last months of my mission going to Fargo and having our dinner appointment cancel we texted him and he brought us dinner.
Fargo is a flat place but it is so amazing and beautiful there! I am so thankful that I got to serve there and to meet all the people I did. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to run the half marathon up there. It was a long trip but totally worth it. I went with a mission companion.
Since the time I have served my mission I have became a happier person I let go of the bitterness. I have grown to love my heavenly father and savoir so much. Running this half helped me realize that life is for adventure and to be lived! Follow your heart it will take you far in life! It will never lead you astray I know that to be true I have seen it in my life!
I am off to my next adventure have fun live the dream! Keep the Faith! Never lose sight of the end goal it is always in sight it sometimes is hard to see but it will come. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel we just have to trust in the Lord!

Just when I think I have life figured out!

Life is like a roller coaster right when I think I have my life under control and it is going in the right direction. I have a HUGE curve ball thrown and hits me in the face. I finally got my life on track where I need to be then I get a huge hit in the face. I know that is how life goes. I am only losing $60 instead of $1600. I guess that is the bright side. 

I decided it was a good thing I am running a half marathon next week because if I wasn't I would be drinking a lot of coke because that is what I do when life gets hard. But once it gets simple I don't need it in my life. I have been working on cutting it out some days are easier than others. I know that soda is bad for my health but it is better than other things I could put into my body. I am so thankful for the body I have it has taken me thousands of miles and continues to. I am so thankful for the ability I have to run it has taken me many places, places I have never imagined! I have met so many great people. I even see my neighbors from my home town at some of them. It is always an adventure. I am so blessed for the ability I have to run. I am so glad running chose me. You can take the shoes from the girl but you can take the runner out of her!

I also today realized how much I miss my brother and how I haven't really seen him since I have been home from my mission. Now I understand why he was so sad when I wasn't home when he got home from his mission. He is my best friend and he is in Alaska until my birthday and that is a long time away. He is driving a tour bus living his dream.

I know he is happy and that is all that matters to me because he only deserves the best in life. He is one of the most amazing people I know. I am so glad he is my brother. He has never left me down he is the best brother a girl could ask for.

I have finally started to get my life where I want it to go and I just wish that sometimes it could be great all the time with out the challenges but then it wouldn't be any fun at all. Sometimes I just forget that I need to count my blessings to see how good life really is. I am living the dream and I have a friend who is willing to go on adventures with me. I have learned that it doesn't matter how hard life is it just matters how you handle what is thrown at you. I know that sometimes in my life I have not handled things the best but I have gotten what I have needed and I have never once felt like my father in heaven has let me down. I have always gotten what I have needed it may have been hard but it was worth it to see the person I have become from where I was years ago. I wouldn't change that for anything. 

Well until next time I think that is all I have for today. Have a great week! Live the dream! Follow your heart and go on an adventure! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout!

Mission

Today as I visited one of my companions from my mission we talked about old times. It helped me realize now that my mission wasn't that bad it was hard because that was what I needed at the time to become who my heavenly Father wanted me to become. As I felt and saw the spirit she had I long for that. I want that. I know that the mission is what I needed in my life at that time. It helped me know that everyone is not trustworthy or deserving of my trust.
As I am learning to trust people again I am seeing the pure love of Christ that I haven't had in my life for awhile. I have missed that in my life. As I look for the positives about my mission I feel better about my life knowing that I served and I did my best! I am so thankful for the struggles. I am happy where I am in my life now! I am so blessed to live the life I do.
I have been struggling alot lately no one really knows I have just cut people put of my life. I know what is missing in my life and that is serving others. I am happiest when I serve not only the Lord but others as well. As I serve others I am serving the Lord. Life is hard and sometime when you feel like nobody cares and you have noone. I know my father in heaven is there because he gives me opportunities to serve. He shows me he loves me in many different ways if it is just from a kind stranger smile or a phone call from my best friend!
Today my father in heaven showed me he loved me by having a welcoming committee as I walked in the door I was not very happy when I walked in the door. Today I had a reality slap in my face I just don't understand why I fight so hard for what I want in my life and others just get it handed to them. I have learned that I am in the same spot that I was a year ago but a year ago I was happy with where I am in life. Right now I don't even know anymore. I am doing my best I just don't know what to do when my best isn't good enough. Maybe nursing isn't for me maybe I just need to go back to education because all my classes are done for that.
School is hard but as you fight to get through it, it will be worth it. I have learned a lot about myself over this past year and I will fight to get what I want in life. I will work hard  to get there and when I feel like I can't fight any harder there is always a little bit more that I can do.
Life is hard but as we trust the lord everything will be okay even when it seems like it won't.
I am living the dream and keeping the faith! Off to my next adventure. Peace out Cub scout.

Growing Up!

Growing up is hard we all know that! We all face different battles. One I fight daily is being the friend that is only called when they are in trouble and need someone stable. I had plans for spring break with one of my best friends and then she bailed but I knew she would she always does. She is one of those people who says she'll do something but then she doesn't do it. I rearranged my schedule for her. I always knew I was low life soap scum. I always have been.

You are just a Momma's girl all you ever do it spend time with her which is fine but sometimes you need to spend time with other people. I understand family is important but so are other people. I know that I will never matter to you and that is fine with me.

You assume I am not going to go to institute you don't know me you don't know the desires of my heart. I know you will never read my blog because you won't have time like you informed me today at school that you didn't have time for me. Thanks when I really needed you, you weren't there but when you need me I will always be there.

You hurt my feelings yesterday. What you didn't know was the battle I was fighting. I just failed a test and then it proceeded to be that way the rest of the day. That is okay though. You win some and lose some. I just learn differently than you. I learn by being hands on.

Glitter in the Mail!

Rough days come and go. Some are harder than others. You pray all day for someone to care and to just know that you are struggling and then your answer comes in the most simplest of ways through a letter full of glitter. It is the simple things that mean the most. 

Not that life is hard but it is at times. Not that it was a bad day it was just a day that wasn't as smooth as normal and people said dumb things. My best friend said I didn't think you were coming. What she didn't know what how my morning went. The train was late it's okay I studied and prepared for a test, I took my test felt really good got my score. It's okay you win some and lose some. It doesn't mean I am not smart it means I am human and I struggle. 

Yesterday was just my day to struggle it's okay. What no one knows is that I cried in my room for hours because I know I will never be good enough. My best friend she always asks what I get on the test to make herself feel better I wish she wouldn't have to be little me to feel good about herself. If that's what you need that's fine but I can only do so much to bring you up before I have to let you go. It's me your right I am dumb but I do my best and if it isn't good enough for you then I am done with you.

We used to have the same goals but now we don't and that's totally fine! I know we grow up and move on but its so hard to go to school and no that you are just another person no one will ever notice. Just another wall flower. I am going to get a degree and become the person I know I can be.

I am off to another adventure who knows what it will be but it will be an adventure that is for sure. Riding Solo. Living the dream! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout.

Sometimes I just get Angry!

Sometimes people worry about me because it is there job. My mom worries about me quite often. Sometimes more than I think she should like this week, Every now and again I just get down on life it doesn't happen very often but when it does I am down for a good three days before I can get out of the rut of feeling sorry and angry for myself. Tuesday was one of those days but lets be honest it all started on Sunday. Let us back the train up to Sunday.

Sunday was like any other Sunday nothing out of the usual just that I get to go to ward council and that is when all of my problems started! I went we talked and did what they do in those meetings. Then they need started talking about how new people feel, then they asked me what I thought and I let them have it! I was like well you have your clicks and you don't care about anyone but yourselves, when people sit by you on the bench you are still alone and they don't care about you they just sit there because it is an empty seat. Then the bishop said "Jill I knew there was a reason that I needed you here today." What they didn't know was that I was going to move my records from the ward because I don't think going to church and coming home angry is how it is supposed to be. Then after church I came home and I was all alone which is usually fine but not this day. That was my breaking point I was talking to my mom about what I was going to eat for dinner and that is always an adventure.

Monday was a fine day nothing exciting really happened. I worked and was med tech what the heck it was my first time in that area but I did it. I came home and didn't even say a word to anyone but I'll be up in a minute when I knew it wasn't true. Tuesday was a normal day nothing really exciting but it was the breaking point. I called my mom angrier than I ever had before. I wasn't mad at her I was just frustrated with how my life was going. I was mad no one was home and I had no one to talk to. My mom then proceeded to tell me to go get some dinner and to call her back and that helped a little bit but I was still so angry and mad at myself. 

I then went about my night like I always do. Then Uncle Spencer came downstairs to see if I was okay because I didn't come up and visit after work on Monday I usually sit and chit chat for a few minutes. I then proceeded to tell him my struggles, It not that my life is hard it was just one of those days when you can't handle it all on your own and need someone to help lighten your load. He asked if there was anything he could do for me and I said no then I asked if I could hug him and he hugged me and everything else seemed much better after that. Then I proceeded to finish my nightly routine then I went upstairs to talk to Uncle Spencer about something my institute teacher said then he proceeded to tell me not to worry. Then I went downstairs and I went to bed and then lived my life like I usually do. I still wasn't in the best of moods but eventually it passes and life is good again for another month or two.

It is the simple things in life that mean the most. I miss running to the door when my dad gets home from work and hugging him and asking him where he has been even though I knew the answer. Answers to our prayers come in ways different than we expect. I know that heavenly father knows us personally and the desires of our hearts.  He will never leave us comfort less even when we thing he has he is always there, waiting for us to talk to him. I have learned this week when I have felt alone that he has always been there. He has put people in my life that I needed and he takes them out when they need to go, 

I am so thankful to know that I have a loving heavenly father that loves me and cares about me. Well now that is my soap opera of the week! Have a great week! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout!

The Struggle is Real! Anatomy at UVU changes a person!

No one understands the pain of my heart, only my Father in heaven. He has been there through the tears and heart ache. He knows what I am capable of he knows that this struggle is what I need in my life right now. My heart is aching, tears fall every night and no one is aware it is like I am invisible and don't matter. I know that I matter to someone. I don't get notice in the halls at school I am just another body. I wish that I was at home because there I got hugged at least once a day and someone told me they loved me and I always knew that I mattered. I never had to worry about that. We said family prayer every morning. My parents would wake up in the mornings even when they could sleep in just to pray with me. They never once gave up on me. Even when I gave up on myself.
I remember a time I was truly happy in life it isn't right now because back then I didn't cry all the time only when something went wrong or when I was extremely hungry. I have learned what I want in a future husband, what kind of family life they need.
The pain in my heart is so strong. I pray to Heavenly Father to have him take some of it away and he does but there is still that burden that I carry. No one will understand how I am feeling because I cannot describe it in words to you. I have never hit rock bottom in my life like this. I have always felt worthless but not like this. I want to be the person that someone looks up to and says I hope one day to be as awesome as her.

I wrote this during anatomy Fall 2015 when everything seemed impossible.

Hardest Semester of my Life!

This semester has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me what it was like to be alone and have no one but my Father in Heaven. The days got darker and the nights got harder. No one knew the tears in the basement every night. Until this past Sunday my cousin heard the tears she didn't ask questions she wrote me a note and that was that and that was all I needed to feel important. That is when I knew everything was going to be okay. It was an answer to my prayers. I have learned this semester grades don't tell you how smart you are as a person, it doesn't tell you what kind of person you are. I worked hard for the grades I got I got what I deserved.

I taught myself math and chemistry. I had teachers who didn't care. I fought a good fight! I never gave up. I worked and worked at it. It took a lot of time but I didn't quit even after my toughest days when all I could do was cry and I would hope someone would be home to hug me and just let me cry. Those were the days I needed people the most and I didn't have anyone.

I know I maybe mad at my grades but its okay. They don't determine my future. I am doing my best and I know that's all I can do. I have learned to trust people again. I haven't been able to trust people for a long time since I got back from my mission. My mission hurt me as a person it taught me to hate people and trust no one. Being on the mission sucks at times, because you truly have no one but your father in heaven and even sometimes you feel like he isn't there.  But he always is there. I sometimes forget that!

I am starting to feel like I did when I came home from my mission. I was so anger I told myself I would never get that way again but I did. The negativity came back into my life and wanted to rule me and I let it. I am working on letting it go. Many people have wronged me but it is life you need to be the better person and move on. Moving on is hard but once you let them go everything seems to be much better.

I have seen the person I was before I went to school and who I am now. I wouldn't change my struggles for anything. I know I needed them in my life. I am pleased with who I am becoming. I may not have anything to show for this semester. I have my family and a group of friends that I would of never met otherwise. I can work hard and still not lose the faith!

This semester I have ran a full marathon, a half, and a 10k. I know that seems silly to you but things that seemed impossible at the first of the semester aren't as impossible as I thought. I never in a million years thought I would be a marathon runner.

Life is hard! Over this semester it has taught me that the lord is on my side! I have a family who loves me and will never give up on me even when I give up on myself. I have friends who are there well a split few. I have learned that school sucks but the kind words of encouragement will get you through anything.

Have a wonderful week! Just remember this to shall pass. Even when you lose sight of the end of the tunnel there is a light at the end. Never lose sight of your goals. Don't let things being hard determine your destiny or keep you from following your dreams!

Keep the Faith!

I wrote this back in December of 2015

What do I want from Christ?

Its has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been to angry and sad to blog about life because I was not happy with my life, where I was going and the choices I was making. I know am I where I am supposed to be but then there is always the doubt in the back of my mind is this right do I want to be here. I know I need to be here I just need to find the reason.

I have started taking institute this semester it has changed my perspective in life. As many of you know I am a returned missionary and I am 24 and not married and I get the question quite often what is wrong with you? Why aren't you married? I never know what to say but I am not ready to be tied down to someone forever. I still need to get an education. I have two institute classes I am not registered I just go with my friends. I go to the morning one with Abi who is so awesome and loving. I love her so much. I  go to a Tuesday night one with another friend. That class has me thinking. The teacher asked us a question this week and said What do you want from Christ? I thought about it and the only thing I could think of was... I want someone in my life who loves me for me, who loves the silly quirks about me, one who will take me at my worst and still love me as they do when I am at my best. I want someone who is worthy of me. I want to be worthy of them. I want them to love the Savior more than they love me. I want a temple marriage. I just want to be happy with my life where I am and where I am going. Most importantly I want my Heavenly Father to love me and be proud of me.

I go to school everyday, it is a lonely place. No one knows the battles you are fighting no one know whats its like to be you. Only you and Jesus Christ because he suffered for your sins and he loves you know matter what. I know school is hard and it seems like it isn't worth it at times but it is. Put forth the effort and you will succeed it may not be with the grades you want but you will succeed.

I know that life is hard and full of heart ache but you are never fighting this alone. Your heavenly father loves you never forget that! He is always there for you! He is waiting for you to talk to him through prayer. Life seems hard now but when you look back you will think it wasn't so bad. Never lose sight of your goals. Keep fighting for them. Someone is always routing for you on the side lines. Stand up for what you believe in. Until next time Peace out Cub Scout! Keep the Faith!