When the Rage Finally Left

 Hello Blogger Fam!

This blog post is going to be real and raw emotion!

I know that I am not perfect but I don't need you to fix me when my world is falling apart. I just need you to listen and to be there to catch the pieces when they fall and the tears don't stop. Even the deadly silent ones that no-one ever sees because I am always the one who is there for everyone because that is who my mom raised me to be! Someone people can depend on and to be there for them when they need a friend! I have a friend and anytime her life gets hard she comes to me because I am the stable one and the one who is always there and always will be!  

The past two weeks I have have such rage in my body! I have been so angry! I mean ANGRY! I haven't had this much rage in years. It was like something was inside of me telling me I wasn't good enough, I didn't matter and no one cared. Something was controlling me! What hurt the most was the person I wanted to call that I knew they would come because they were closest to where I was, wasn't home the tears fell the anger and rage still was there until I finally broke and was honest with not only myself but with others as well. I am not perfect nor will I ever be! 

I am just one person! I can't do it anymore I can do my job and no one else's. I know that being in the middle of nowhere everyone wears many hats but I broke and that was the end of me! My students got the wrath, my parents got it everyone got it. I didn't want to be fixed I just wanted someone to sit in the middle of my floor with me while I screamed with everything I had to let it go! I held on to it for so long I was done I didn't think I could make it another day. I had to pray with everything I had to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay in my bed and not face the world because it seemed to hard it seemed so dark I couldn't see. It was so dark I couldn't find the light in the darkness. I couldn't see the stars. I couldn't see the moon. Nothing was there it was so dark my soul was lost and I didn't think that pain was ever going to leave and then someone said something and then something came out of my mouth that should have not left but it did I  showed people I am human! 

I am a human and I sometimes my world comes crashing down and it has been so hard for me until someone said we need to take care of our own! The moment I heard that the rage left, the anger left and for once I finally felt safe and back to normal. I still had some anger but not the kind where I had to plead with my father in heaven to lift me out of bed and get me ready for work. 

I went to my homeward Christmas party and someone asked me how I was and I said with all seriousness, I got myself out of bed and got dressed on my own today and I don't want to die. They laughed and said good answer but what they didn't know was it was the truth! This was first time in weeks that I could get out of my bed on my own and not have to pray to get out of it! 

I can't tell you where the rage or anger came from but I can tell you it hurt! I hope to never feel it again that bad. I couldn't move I had no control and I know that some of the choices I wanted to make would change my life for the worse and it would ruin my families life. 

Check on your people! We need to take care of our own! You never know the battle they are fighting you never know when they just need someone to sit with them on the floor and listen to them cry and scream as loud as they can. Where I live is a very lonely place if you are single and not in the click. You have to understand that if you are an outsider and are terrified of animals you don't matter here. Which never occurred to me until as a late as I have lost control of my life, rage and anger took over. I finally have taken back over! I found happiness again. I found the calm in the silence. I can see the light, moon and the stars. Life isn't as hard as it was but it is still. Remember check on your people take are of your own! 

Always remember if you need me I will be there! I got you! 

I’m off to my next adventure.

When life gets too hard, drink a Coke and go for a run.
And if you can’t do that—pray with everything you have.
Don’t forget to pray. He is always there, and sometimes that’s all we have.

Until next time—peace out, Cub Scout.
Work hard, play harder, and run your heart out.
Keep the faith.

Over and out.

Valuable Lesson Learned that day

Hello Blogger Fam!

I need to share what is in my heart! ❤️ I am so grateful for my fingers and I am sure you are thinking that is so random what does this have to do with anything well this summer I learned what it was like to not be able to use your fingers. 

On Memorial Day my grandpa fell and fractured vertebrae number 4 mind you he is in his 90’s. He was in the hospital so my dad was commuting back and forth to be with him. School got out I still worked at the bakery. First week of summer I had a sweet work schedule mind you my boss at the bakery is so awesome! I had Friday off and went paddle boarding with my friend. My dad took me with him to see my grandpa and my friend picked me up and then we went paddle boarding and ate lunch and ran errands. It was a great day she took me back to where my grandpa was staying and then I drove my dad and I home. I worked Saturday and went to see my grandpa little did I know that would be my last day of work this summer. 

Sunday came and my friend and I had talked about going to her singles ward because my dad was going to my grandpas to be with him in the rehab place. I said no I don’t want to go I felt uneasy about it and then my dad said let’s go. So I showered and got ready and off we went. Dropped my dad off and went to my friends house. I rang the doorbell she let me in and then I got the potatoes in the roaster pan the kind you plug into the wall while she was having a meeting. I also got ready for church and then we went to church. Church was good. I saw the cute boys that she liked and talked to some friends from when I was in the singles ward down there. 

We go back to her house after church and finish the potatoes but you will never guess what happened next. I went to move one of the roaster pans of potatoes. Well, I moved it and then the worst thing happened the STEAM burned my fingers not just one but 5 of them and I didn't drop the pan I saved the potatoes but my fingers got the burns and I mean it was pain I have never felt before in my life. It hurt so bad and I really thought they were going to have to cut my fingers off. I drove to where my dad was  longest 30 minutes of my life and then my aunt took me to the Instacare and they took my pulse on my ear. The doctor came in and looked at me, looked at my fingers and said I need to talk to the burn unit.  The moment she said the burn unit I knew it was bad. She came and took pictures and then came back and said they are going to have to cut the blister off and wrap them. Nurse Ali came in and was so kind and took care of my fingers. Once my fingers were cleaned and wrapped she sent us with a bag and instructions of how to do it. 

The next day I called the burn clinic and made an appointment and we went and they gave us other things to wrap my fingers with. The first thing I asked the doctor at the burn clinic was if I could go on Splash mountain as we were going on family vacation that Sunday. 

I want to thank the the kind doctor and nurse at the Instacare, the nurse and doctor at the burn clinic. I also want to thank the kind flight attendant who opened my snacks and gave me a whole cane of coke and to the kind lady in the Disneyland bathroom who helped me wash my hands as it was quite a thing because I couldn't get my bandages wet. 

My fingers have since healed but I have red marks where the burns were. I am upset this happen no was it hard yes but it was something that I needed in my life to become a better person and to understand my students better. I am so grateful not that my fingers got burned but that I learned to be grateful for the things I have. I am so thankful for my fingers and for everyone who was there to help me when I couldn't do anything and I am so thankful for the prayers for my fingers. 

Moral of my story, I should have listen to that voice saying don't go and to the that feeling in my gut that said don't go! Trust your gut! Follow your Gut! 

I am off to my next adventure! When life gets hard drink a coke and go for a run! Don't forget to pray because sometimes that is all you have and he isn't going to turn his back on you! 

Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout! Work hard play harder and RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Keep the Faith! Over and Out! 

Mixed Feelings (Wrote in January)

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

I know I do not write as much as I should and this post is going to have some anger, loneliness and happiness. I wrote this back in January but was to angry to post it. 

I have been told no a lot in my life but never once have I ever been told there is no room in the inn. I don't know why that bothered me so much. It just made me think about Mary and Joseph because they had to go to a stable to give birth to the baby Jesus. I am sure it hurt Mary's feelings but she just went and did what she needed to do. I was told that there was no room in the inn, I don't know why it bothered me so much! I didn't really want to go to Paris. I would have liked to go yes but never really thought anything about it until I was told there isn't room in the inn. Those words weren't used per say but that was implied. I am not upset my family went. I am truly grateful they went and are enjoying their time and I am so thankful for the pictures. 

Something that has bothered me about this situation is when people say dumb things. I know it shouldn't matter but it doesn't. I am a grown woman. I don't need you to ask if I am surviving without my mom. I am doing fine thanks. Just a little more lonely than normal. Mind you I live in the middle of no where with no people so yes when my family went to Paris yes it was said because it made it so I was left all alone. Yes, it stinks but it isn't the end of the world. Yes, I have to reach out to my friends instead of my lifelines because my lifelines are out of the country and that is okay. Because I know the sun that shines on me is shining on them. Different times of day but its still the same sun and the same moon. 

I got a text a week ago it was a tender mercy. My friend from my old singles ward reached out and said she went to another friends relief society lesson. I have a friend who talks about Jesus all the time and talks about Him like He is her best friend. It's really true. Jesus is her best friend and I know that He is with her all the time. Later I found out that she was talking about me. It brought tears to my eyes because she didn't know how much I needed to hear that. I have recently turned my back on Him not on purpose but it just happened. I miss that girl I used to be and the way I used to feel inside. 

Thank you for listening and reading my rant! 

I am off to my next adventure! Send Coke! I mean that with all seriousness or grape crush is also accepted. 😉 When life gets to hard drink a coke and go for a run! Don't forget to pray because sometimes that is all you have and he isn't going to turn his back on you! 

Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout! Work hard, play harder, and RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Pray a little louder and run a little farther. Never fortget the end goal! Keep the Faith! Over and out! 

2024 has come and gone. Hello New Adventures 2025

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

This one is going to be raw and honest. I am so grateful for all the adventures, the laughs, and pain that 2024 has brought. I learned so much about myself.

Here are the top five highlights of 2024.

1. Going to a quilt retreat in February in Quitman Texas.

2.  Going to Missouri Star with my mom and her best friend.

3. Cruising to Alaska

4. Being on the news.

5. Getting donut wart removed from my knee. 

2024 taught me a lot about people and about myself. I learned that it is okay to not trust anyone but yourself because you aren't going to hurt yourself. I learned that I have some of the toughest friends around. I almost lost one in a motorcycle accident but she is a fighter and guess what she is finally able to walk again. During this time she was going through a divorce and she never once said why me she said I got this. I am so grateful for 2024 and I am so ready for 2025 I hope it is the year my dreams come true. 

I heard something this week that has definitely changed my perspective on things. I know who is in my corner and who is willing to support me as I try to get back into school so I can change careers. I love my job I do. I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be a teacher but I am ready for a new adventure. I am ready to finally listen to that voice in my head that says go and not the one that says stay it is safe here. It maybe safe but it isn't helping me grow I am staying in one place. It is okay to change because no matter what people are going to talk so give them a reason. Go and fight for your dreams don't give up because you think you can't. I am here to tell you, you can even if it means taking the test over 50 times keep pushing through because eventually it is going to be the best feeling when you get that piece of paper that says you did it. Don't let others tell you, you can't because you can. 

I am sick of the people telling me it is stupid to go back to school and I can't do it and it isn't worth it. It is worth it to me. I had one friend looked me straight in the face and said 4 years is going to pass if you go to school or if you don't. I am going to take the jump this year and get back into school. I hope FASFA will be my friend but if not I will work two jobs so I can make my dreams come true. 

I am going on some big adventures this year and let me tell you what I am annoyed about the flights and how they worked out but it is what it is. I am excited for my adventure in July and I am excited to start school in the fall I hope. I am excited to try something new and become the person I know I can be.

If you feel the need to tell me I can't do it or you don't believe in me please delete my phone number and leave my life for good because I am done with the ones who are against me. If you are going to support me awesome. If not I don't need you. I am thankful for the friends who are there and believe in me and are giving me the courage to try and get back into school.

Here is to 2025 lets make our dreams come true! 

I am off to my next adventure. Send Coke! I mean that will all seriousness or grape crush is also accepted. 😉  When life gets to hard drink a coke and look at the stars. Don't forget to pray because sometimes that is all you have! 

Until next time, Peace out Cub Scout! Work hard, play harder, and RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Pray a little louder and run a little farther. Never forget the end goal! Keep the faith! Here is to new adventures and making dreams come true! Over and out!