The Struggle is Real! Anatomy at UVU changes a person!

No one understands the pain of my heart, only my Father in heaven. He has been there through the tears and heart ache. He knows what I am capable of he knows that this struggle is what I need in my life right now. My heart is aching, tears fall every night and no one is aware it is like I am invisible and don't matter. I know that I matter to someone. I don't get notice in the halls at school I am just another body. I wish that I was at home because there I got hugged at least once a day and someone told me they loved me and I always knew that I mattered. I never had to worry about that. We said family prayer every morning. My parents would wake up in the mornings even when they could sleep in just to pray with me. They never once gave up on me. Even when I gave up on myself.
I remember a time I was truly happy in life it isn't right now because back then I didn't cry all the time only when something went wrong or when I was extremely hungry. I have learned what I want in a future husband, what kind of family life they need.
The pain in my heart is so strong. I pray to Heavenly Father to have him take some of it away and he does but there is still that burden that I carry. No one will understand how I am feeling because I cannot describe it in words to you. I have never hit rock bottom in my life like this. I have always felt worthless but not like this. I want to be the person that someone looks up to and says I hope one day to be as awesome as her.

I wrote this during anatomy Fall 2015 when everything seemed impossible.

Hardest Semester of my Life!

This semester has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me what it was like to be alone and have no one but my Father in Heaven. The days got darker and the nights got harder. No one knew the tears in the basement every night. Until this past Sunday my cousin heard the tears she didn't ask questions she wrote me a note and that was that and that was all I needed to feel important. That is when I knew everything was going to be okay. It was an answer to my prayers. I have learned this semester grades don't tell you how smart you are as a person, it doesn't tell you what kind of person you are. I worked hard for the grades I got I got what I deserved.

I taught myself math and chemistry. I had teachers who didn't care. I fought a good fight! I never gave up. I worked and worked at it. It took a lot of time but I didn't quit even after my toughest days when all I could do was cry and I would hope someone would be home to hug me and just let me cry. Those were the days I needed people the most and I didn't have anyone.

I know I maybe mad at my grades but its okay. They don't determine my future. I am doing my best and I know that's all I can do. I have learned to trust people again. I haven't been able to trust people for a long time since I got back from my mission. My mission hurt me as a person it taught me to hate people and trust no one. Being on the mission sucks at times, because you truly have no one but your father in heaven and even sometimes you feel like he isn't there.  But he always is there. I sometimes forget that!

I am starting to feel like I did when I came home from my mission. I was so anger I told myself I would never get that way again but I did. The negativity came back into my life and wanted to rule me and I let it. I am working on letting it go. Many people have wronged me but it is life you need to be the better person and move on. Moving on is hard but once you let them go everything seems to be much better.

I have seen the person I was before I went to school and who I am now. I wouldn't change my struggles for anything. I know I needed them in my life. I am pleased with who I am becoming. I may not have anything to show for this semester. I have my family and a group of friends that I would of never met otherwise. I can work hard and still not lose the faith!

This semester I have ran a full marathon, a half, and a 10k. I know that seems silly to you but things that seemed impossible at the first of the semester aren't as impossible as I thought. I never in a million years thought I would be a marathon runner.

Life is hard! Over this semester it has taught me that the lord is on my side! I have a family who loves me and will never give up on me even when I give up on myself. I have friends who are there well a split few. I have learned that school sucks but the kind words of encouragement will get you through anything.

Have a wonderful week! Just remember this to shall pass. Even when you lose sight of the end of the tunnel there is a light at the end. Never lose sight of your goals. Don't let things being hard determine your destiny or keep you from following your dreams!

Keep the Faith!

I wrote this back in December of 2015

What do I want from Christ?

Its has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been to angry and sad to blog about life because I was not happy with my life, where I was going and the choices I was making. I know am I where I am supposed to be but then there is always the doubt in the back of my mind is this right do I want to be here. I know I need to be here I just need to find the reason.

I have started taking institute this semester it has changed my perspective in life. As many of you know I am a returned missionary and I am 24 and not married and I get the question quite often what is wrong with you? Why aren't you married? I never know what to say but I am not ready to be tied down to someone forever. I still need to get an education. I have two institute classes I am not registered I just go with my friends. I go to the morning one with Abi who is so awesome and loving. I love her so much. I  go to a Tuesday night one with another friend. That class has me thinking. The teacher asked us a question this week and said What do you want from Christ? I thought about it and the only thing I could think of was... I want someone in my life who loves me for me, who loves the silly quirks about me, one who will take me at my worst and still love me as they do when I am at my best. I want someone who is worthy of me. I want to be worthy of them. I want them to love the Savior more than they love me. I want a temple marriage. I just want to be happy with my life where I am and where I am going. Most importantly I want my Heavenly Father to love me and be proud of me.

I go to school everyday, it is a lonely place. No one knows the battles you are fighting no one know whats its like to be you. Only you and Jesus Christ because he suffered for your sins and he loves you know matter what. I know school is hard and it seems like it isn't worth it at times but it is. Put forth the effort and you will succeed it may not be with the grades you want but you will succeed.

I know that life is hard and full of heart ache but you are never fighting this alone. Your heavenly father loves you never forget that! He is always there for you! He is waiting for you to talk to him through prayer. Life seems hard now but when you look back you will think it wasn't so bad. Never lose sight of your goals. Keep fighting for them. Someone is always routing for you on the side lines. Stand up for what you believe in. Until next time Peace out Cub Scout! Keep the Faith!