I Just Can't

I am not Super Woman even though I think I am. I am one person who is just trying to make it through each day. I just can't stretch myself so thin anymore. I can't work 30+ hours a week and go to school. I am one person. I am working on getting a 4.0 and right now that  seems impossible. But it isn't if I just believe in myself. I can do hard things because I have the Lord on my side. I just can't do it all anymore. My happiness has left, sadness has filled my heart.
There isn't enough time to do what I love and that's run. I can't run very well at the moment. I am strengthening my knee and leg. I hurt my leg about a month ago and it has put a dent in my running ability. I don't run because I have to. I run because it is my outlet from the world where I can get away. It has never hurt me not once. It may have given me torn ligaments and scrapped knees but in all reality that heals. Running heals the broken heart, takes away my sorrows. Running is my life. It is always there to pick me back up.
Life is hard and you just have to take it by the horns and go with it. I am not going to let you rule my life. You don't have that control anymore. I am the ruler of my own life.
I'm off to my next adventure. Until then keep the faith! Peace out cub scout! Live your dreams and don't let anyone stand in your way! You are possible! (Impossible= I'm possible)

Sense of Beloning

As I reflect on my life and school I relies that I don't belong. I relies that I am nothing special just another body in the hallway that no cares about. Just person in the class who the teacher could careless about. I don't belong in my cohort I have noticed how everyone has come from different backgrounds and not one from mine. I have never really had friends in class. This semester is really hard to be the outsider but yet I am used to it. Usually it doesn't phase me but this week it has. I have learned that sometimes you should just not say anything and just let people be people but I am not going to let someone be loud so I can't hear the professor. I am paying to get an education. I am working so hard to make money.
I hope and wish one day I will belong somewhere and not be the outsider. I know that I will be forever alone because no one wants to be with a girl who doesn't belong anywhere. I have learned that I don't matter to anyone but my family, at least I matter to them and I am good enough. I have learned over these past five months that I am not worth it or good enough. I never will be and that is fine. My parents will probably never get grand children but I guess that isn't the end of the world. I am just one person. I may not matter to anyone at school but it doesn't matter.
I have learned what its like to feel alone and having no one. I have learned how to love others even when I don't want too. I have learned how to accept being alone and that it is just how life is. I have learned that nothing is impossible you just have to work to get where you want to be. I have worked so hard to get where I am today and I really have nothing to show for it. I look at all the girls in my class and I relies that I am different I am not stuck up and I am different. This is why I have no friends. I have one friend who lives in Brigham and we get together when I come home for the weekend or the day. She is so great.
I just wish I had a sense of belonging somewhere. I wish someone would notice me and that I was good enough.
Well I am off to do homework and to study for the praxis. Have a great day! Keep the faith! Keep your chin up things can only go up from here. Peace Out Cub Scout! Over and Out!

The praxis

The praxis is like running a marathon. It's hard and it hurts when you fail. You trip and fall what do you do you get up brush off and say shoot I got to make up time and you go again. I brushed myself off and back got back up! Please stop telling me to quit trying because I won't. I am a FIGHTER!! My mom didn't raise quitters. I was last in every race until senior year. Did I quit no could I have oh yes but I kept going I kept running. I was in the middle of the pack my senior year and that was amazing to see how far I had come. It was all about the race between me and the clock!
The praxis is all a game. You win some you lose some. The praxis is a dumb standardized test but you always got to jump through the hoops. Never lose sight of the end goal! Keep the faith!
Nothing is impossible! It's only impossible if you quit!

Fear is Real!

The moment the mouse looked into my soul. I was so scared and not once did my best friend ever laugh at me, not once. Today I saw a mouse and I am truly blessed because my heavenly Father knows I am terrified of animals and he puts blinders on my eyes and ear plugs in my ears. But tonight I saw a mouse it was white with brown spots it looked right into my soul. It made eye contact with me and I started to cry I was all alone. My friend from a distance asked if I was okay and then the whole group laughed at me. You don't need to mock me because my fears are different than yours. I am human I have fears some are silly to you but a big deal to me. I remember once on my mission when I was truly blinded from the animals until we were leaving. We were cleaning this reptile house it was a members house. Let me back up a week prior the other sisters asked if we could help I asked if there would be animals oh no there won't be sister Dallon. I knew there would be. I prayed and prayed not to be scared the day comes and I am like I am confident it will be fine but no the tears come and my companion shakes me and says Sister Dallon get it together. I do my best after 15 minutes I say heavenly father I am here to serve please help me. He put a binder on my eyes I didn't see the snakes, or the mice until we were leaving.  Today as I saw this mouse it scared me so bad I'll I could do was cry and hope someone was braver than me to help me pass it. Someone came after everyone laughed at me. Today some boy came to my rescue I couldn't say anything with the tears but thanks. He said are you okay the tears fell harder. Then I realized how much my best friend my no longer best friend means to me. My heart was crying of embarrassment because the group who I thought were my friends were not. I thanked my one friend again today. He always responds and says you're welcome I get it. He never judged me. Why can't there be more people like him in this world who understand fears.
My fear of animals is real. It may be silly to you but it is so real to me I sometimes can't breathe as I am crying. It is hard but with my heavenly father I can make it through anything. Keep the faith! Work hard play hard run with all you have. Peace out cub scout. Until my next adventure. Peace and love!

The Day my Life Changed

For once in my life everything was going great. I then learned that there is bumps in the road and yes they are hard some are easier than others. I have seen how ever since I got released in March I have lost my best friend and the boy that I really like. I really liked this boy I loved the way he made me feel. He taught me how to be happy and to find the positives in life. He helped me become the person I needed to be. I learned how to love others and to see them for who they truly are. I learned that even though I am no longer with that boy and now he doesn't even speak to me. I am and never was good enough. I learned to trust and yet again I was the one who was crushed and torn apart. I learned on my mission to not trust others but with him, I knew from the moment I met him I could trust him. I let him in and I let my guard down and my walls. I really liked him so much. He was the most amazing person I have ever met. He truly changed my life. I just can't believe that one date changed it all. He was my number one. He was my best friend. I have lost him. I just wish that it could of happened differently or it wouldn't of happened at all. I was so happy when I had him in my life. I don't need a boy in my life to be happy. He was there for me when I failed my test he was there the first time, the second, third, fourth and fifth and every time since. He told me once how sorry he was as I was crying he said "You listen to me and I listen to you Jill we are a team we do things together." That was the day I knew that he was different and that no matter what I would always have him. I never thought I would lose him. The day I knew that I lost him was the day he stopped texting me and talking to me. I wish it would of happened after Peru because when I was in Peru was when I needed him the most. He was truly my best friend but April 1, 2017 everything changed. He was no longer my friend and he doesn't talk to me and I wish he just knew how bad he was truly hurting me. I loved that boy so much.Every since the day he left my life I haven't found the happiness I had while I had him in my life. He snaps me once a day to keep our streak alive. I just wish I could talk to him to let him know how I really feel. He is the most amazing person in the whole world and only deserved the best. I hope that he fines the most amazing girl in the world because that is what he truly deserves. It may not be me but that's okay. Yes it hurts but it only makes me stronger. You can only run away for so long until you have to face reality. Never give up on your dreams. Never give up even if you aren't good enough for the boy you like. Keep your chin up and move on. You are amazing and will always be good enough! Keep the faith!
Until next time! Peace out Cub scout!

Summer nightmare

This summer has been the biggest nightmare of my life. I have worked three jobs. I have one that I truly love. I work at chick fila and it's pretty legit. I wish I would of just went back to the bakery. The boy I like hates me and I can't go to church because the feeling there is terrible. I guess it is time for me to walk away for good. I wish things would of turned out differently. He was truly the most amazing young man I know. He was one I trusted he accepted me for me not once did he judge me. It never mattered to him where I came from or where I'd been. He always treated me like a princess. Then something change and that was the day my life changed. Life is hard sometimes you just have to grab it by the horns and roll with it. My life hasn't gone as I had planned. My life plan has had many bumps in the road. Here is how I wanted my life to be. I wanted to graduate high school go to college and get married and have a family. How my life has gone. I graduated my mom got terribly sick, I went to Dixie, then I went on a mission, now I have been home three years not married no college degree. Yup my life is a train wreck. Would I change it no. I have done some amazing things even though it hasn't gone as planned. I went to Peru met some great people my life has truly been changed for the better. I learned that nothing is impossible. Even on the hardest days. I am not here to complain about how hard my life is I am just here to tell you. Nothing is as it seems. Everyone fights different battles. My scars are different than yours. I wouldn't change whom I am for anything in the world. I have seen things and done things I never thought imaginable.
Keep the faith! Keep your chin up! Work hard, play hard, run harder. Never lose sight of the end goal. Until next time. Over and out! Peace out cub scout!

Two Weeks Changed my Life

The last two weeks have truly changed my life. I have learned so many things. I have seen how hard it is to not understand the language. The journey has been so hard but it has been totally worth it. I noticed today as I looked for the positive that everything works out better. I learned that I want to be a better person. I am going to be more positive. I have been with a negative Nancy for the past two weeks and I have come to see how you can only handle so much. People don't deserve that. You can be unhappy but you can choose to be happy. It is a choice. I have seen how negativity affects everyone not just you. I am so thankful for all the adventures I have had. My life has truly been changed for the best. I have seen how hard struggles can help mold you into the person you were meant to be. I have come to see that things that I never thought were possible were.
I wouldn't be where I am today with out my Wonderful​ parents. They taught me to live my life and follow my heart and I have done just that. I am so thankful that they let me go to Peru. I know it wasn't the easiest especially with all the Drs visits that I had to get here.
This experience has truly changed me! Life is hard but it is worth it in the end. I am finally understanding why my life is turning out different than I planned. Life is a rollercoaster. Hand on tight and go for the ride​, it's worth it.
Keep the faith! Off to bed! Living the dream and keeping the Faith. Until next time! Peace out cub scout!