Hello Blogger Fam!
This blog post is going to be real and raw emotion!
I know that I am not perfect but I don't need you to fix me when my world is falling apart. I just need you to listen and to be there to catch the pieces when they fall and the tears don't stop. Even the deadly silent ones that no-one ever sees because I am always the one who is there for everyone because that is who my mom raised me to be! Someone people can depend on and to be there for them when they need a friend! I have a friend and anytime her life gets hard she comes to me because I am the stable one and the one who is always there and always will be!
The past two weeks I have have such rage in my body! I have been so angry! I mean ANGRY! I haven't had this much rage in years. It was like something was inside of me telling me I wasn't good enough, I didn't matter and no one cared. Something was controlling me! What hurt the most was the person I wanted to call that I knew they would come because they were closest to where I was, wasn't home the tears fell the anger and rage still was there until I finally broke and was honest with not only myself but with others as well. I am not perfect nor will I ever be!
I am just one person! I can't do it anymore I can do my job and no one else's. I know that being in the middle of nowhere everyone wears many hats but I broke and that was the end of me! My students got the wrath, my parents got it everyone got it. I didn't want to be fixed I just wanted someone to sit in the middle of my floor with me while I screamed with everything I had to let it go! I held on to it for so long I was done I didn't think I could make it another day. I had to pray with everything I had to get out of bed. I just wanted to stay in my bed and not face the world because it seemed to hard it seemed so dark I couldn't see. It was so dark I couldn't find the light in the darkness. I couldn't see the stars. I couldn't see the moon. Nothing was there it was so dark my soul was lost and I didn't think that pain was ever going to leave and then someone said something and then something came out of my mouth that should have not left but it did I showed people I am human!
I am a human and I sometimes my world comes crashing down and it has been so hard for me until someone said we need to take care of our own! The moment I heard that the rage left, the anger left and for once I finally felt safe and back to normal. I still had some anger but not the kind where I had to plead with my father in heaven to lift me out of bed and get me ready for work.
I went to my homeward Christmas party and someone asked me how I was and I said with all seriousness, I got myself out of bed and got dressed on my own today and I don't want to die. They laughed and said good answer but what they didn't know was it was the truth! This was first time in weeks that I could get out of my bed on my own and not have to pray to get out of it!
I can't tell you where the rage or anger came from but I can tell you it hurt! I hope to never feel it again that bad. I couldn't move I had no control and I know that some of the choices I wanted to make would change my life for the worse and it would ruin my families life.
Check on your people! We need to take care of our own! You never know the battle they are fighting you never know when they just need someone to sit with them on the floor and listen to them cry and scream as loud as they can. Where I live is a very lonely place if you are single and not in the click. You have to understand that if you are an outsider and are terrified of animals you don't matter here. Which never occurred to me until as a late as I have lost control of my life, rage and anger took over. I finally have taken back over! I found happiness again. I found the calm in the silence. I can see the light, moon and the stars. Life isn't as hard as it was but it is still. Remember check on your people take are of your own!
Always remember if you need me I will be there! I got you!
I’m off to my next adventure.
When life gets too hard, drink a Coke and go for a run.
And if you can’t do that—pray with everything you have.
Don’t forget to pray. He is always there, and sometimes that’s all we have.
Until next time—peace out, Cub Scout.
Work hard, play harder, and run your heart out.
Keep the faith.
Over and out.
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