I didn't like the outcome.

The Doctor says one thing one month then something else the next. I am done you are not helping me, you are scaring me. I don't sleep at night because I am scared I am going to die on my flight to Peru or home because I am at high risk for a blood clot. I pretend I am okay when in all reality I am not and I am done faking it. My left foot is swollen some days I can't fit it in my running shoe so I force it in and pretend it doesn't hurt and when it hurts so bad I want to die I run harder because I think the faster I run the less it will hurt. I will take the pain after like a champ. I am done with the tears. I am done with this fight.
The Doctor says I need to go to the surgeon the next month he just wants to laser my foot to take the pain away is that going to take away my being tired all the time. I have to take a nap during the day just to make it through. I have never been so tired in my life. I have learned that you just have to pretend you aren't tired and keep moving on and push through it. It is easier some days. It is all just how you look at it.
I don't like the outcome but it is what it is! Keep Believing! Never Give Up!!!
I trusted that doctor and he has done nothing for me gave me some nasty medicine that makes me sick and then a supplement that is so terrible I would rather kill myself than take it, thank goodness I ran out of it. I am tired of being tired and not feeling good. I tell everyone I am fine when I know I am not but I don't want sympathy. I wake up early so I can fit everything in in a day. I have to much I want to accomplish before I die.
I am so excited to go to Peru. I am a little nervous but it will be an adventure. It will be so great to see how others learn. I am so thankful for my parents and their willingness to let me go. You better believe it I have worked hard to get where I am today. I am paying for Peru by myself. I am so thankful that my parents taught me to be a hard worker and responsible. Sometimes I wish they wouldn't of taught us that.
Life is full of disappointment it is all in how you take it. I had a best friend who I truly trusted and told him a lot about my life. I should of remembered every time I trust someone they leave or I have to distance myself from them. Well he was one of the first people I trusted since my mission it took him 10 months to gain that trust and he lost it within a week. I sometimes wish I didn't trust people because then there is less disappointment and you don't expect anything from anyone.
I am fighting an uphill battle one that I feel like will never end. I have lost sight of the end goal. I should of taken the other job and worked two jobs. It isn't worth being down in Utah County anymore. No one cares the tears fall and no one ever knows. I don't let them see the weak side of me because I am not WEAK! My mom didn't raise weak sauce children she raised STRONG FIGHTERS! I just have to keep fighting! She didn't raise no quitter because if she did I wouldn't be where I am today!
I never realized how good I had it until it was all gone. Life changes and you have to know what battles you want to fight and the ones you need to walk away from. I have learned over this past month that I need to walk away from something that meant so much to me. I am walking away because I will never be good enough for him. I will never deserve someone like him. I have learned that I am low life soap scum but its fine, I just wish one day he will understand how much he really did mean to me.
They always say one door closes another one opens. I hope so we shall see. I am off to another day in the life of Jill! No disappointment today! Live the dream! Dance like no one is watching! ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH!  If someone can't see it they aren't worth it.
Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout!

I miss the North Dakota Sunsets

Grand Forks North Dakota

North Dakota sunsets please come back to me. Even on the hardest days I always knew the sun would set. The same sun that shined on me was shining on my family. It took care of them for me while I was away. Today as I saw the sunset tears came to my eyes because I for once truly missed the mission. I miss the sunsets that came on the days that I thought life was impossible. I am sad today that life defeated me. I know I need to keep fighting to take those test! One more time is all I need I got this! I am going to win this! I am Jill Dallon I will never stop trying! Never lose faith in the simple things. I miss the sunsets. I miss the cool breeze. I miss the humidity. I just miss North Dakota please take me back. I want to be there, I want to see the people I love. Why did I think Peru was a good idea I should of saved my money to go to North Dakota. I never thought I would miss it!
Life is hard at times but you can't give up on the fight. Keep your chin up! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. It may seem impossible but there is always a way. With Christ anything is possible. I know that to be true because if it wasn't I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be who I am today. I have fought different battles than you, you fight different ones than me.
I miss the sunsets they are a blessing in my life! Its the simple things that matter the most. Sunsets are amazing because they are full of color. I just wish everyone could see them as I do. Everyday is a new adventure! Spring is just a around the corner. I am so excited. Keep the faith! Sunsets are amazing! Take the time to enjoy them. I know it is easier said then done! Don't lose sight of the end goal! You are loved!

American Fork Utah

Are you okay?!

NO I AM NOT so please stop asking! Honestly I hate that question. The tears come and I think I have myself together and it comes again and they fall. I am not okay. I am fighting so hard for something that means so much to me. It isn't worth the fight anymore. I quit my job, I am getting released from my calling, I am getting to close to a boy I like that will never like me, and I am not passing the tests I need. I am done fighting the losing fight. I am running back to what I know. I am running back to the bakery because it is safe there and I know it. I have stepped out of my box and my shell and I am going back to it.

The frustration comes and it goes the tears come and go it doesn't make it any better. Losing the light at the end of the tunnel. The test aren't impossible they are just a different battle for everyone for me it is an uphill battle. I have taken it 10 times I have taken classes gotten different books and studied my little heart out. I missed spending time with my family because I had to study and now I see all the fun I missed. My heart is sad but I am ready to walk away knowing that I tried. I fought a hard hard fight. I am giving up. I will win another battle. Teaching is just not for me and that is totally fine, it isn't for everybody.
I go home from a test just defeated and my aunts answer is going shopping and I just want to cry my eyes out because I know that I am the dumbest person in the world. I had a friend once call me dumb all the time maybe he was right. We go shopping it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse because she is buying me stuff and she doesn't really need to. She does it because it makes her feel better it just makes me feel worse. I really appreciate it I do. It helps numb the pain a little bit but the defeat is still there. No one understands how bad it hurts. They all tell me sorry and that I have tried so hard. It isn't meant to be a wise man once sang, "you got to know when you hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run". It is time to walk away and say its alright my life is just going in a different direction than I would of anticipated. Is that bad no. Am I okay not right now but I will be. It will take time but it will heal the broken heart. The tears will stop and the smile will shine through again. It will take a few days but anything is possible if you believe in your dreams.
Follow your heart! It always know where its supposed to go. Sometimes it isn't where you want to go it is in a completely different direction. Let go and move one don't let the past hold you back there is no point in looking back. Look for the future! Look for the Positive! These test I can't pass don't say I am stupid they just say I learn different than others.
Keep the faith! Life sucks sometimes but you will make it. You have before. For Pete sake you lived through a mission this is nothing compared to that. You got this you are smart, you are loved! Keep your Chin Up! Don't lose sight of the end goal!

Does the Savior really know me?

Today my prayers have been answered I got everything I ever wanted for the past year. I wanted to be released from my calling and now that it's reality my heart is crying so hard. I loved to complain about how imperfect those sweet sisters where. I not once thought I was imperfect I know I am.
I got the news today my heart is crying, for two reasons. First, because it's over. I never knew how much I loved my calling until it was taken from me. I have grown closer to my Savior what people don't know. When I got this calling I was angry at the world and wanted to die. Many times I prayed to die. I pleaded to have my heavenly Father take me away from my life. That wasn't his plan. He gave me this calling to strengthen me to help me come back to him, and to keep me active.
Secondly, I will miss the closeness I have felt with the Lord. When I first started this calling I remember going on visits Thursday nights. I remember the second time I went. I met this boy we talked outside my car for awhile. Right before we went our separate ways the words Dallin can I hug you came out of my mouth, I didn't even register what I said until I was hugging him. That was the day I knew my heavenly Father loved me. He always has and always will. That was the day I felt like no one cared and I was worthless. But that day I knew Dallin did, he truly cared about me at that moment I knew heavenly Father knew me. Heavenly Father put Dallin in my life when I needed someone the most. When I was in the lowest part of my life Dallin walked in. I have had a crush on this boy. He is the sweetest thing on the planet. I know that I will never be good enough for him. He deserves only the best. He is so amazing. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have to know this boy and to have had this calling.
My life has been changed for the better. Dallin taught me so much while I was in this calling. When I felt alone Dallin would always ask how I was doing. He helped me so much. Heavenly Father knows what's best for me. He took away my calling and Dallin.
I know my heavenly Father is just shaping me into who he wants me to be. I hope one day to be good enough for someone. I am so thankful for the opportunity I have had to be apart of the relief society presidency.
I am off to my next adventure. Keep the faith! The Lord knows best! He will always love you no matter what even when you feel unlovable he will love you. He has wrapped his arms around me a few times this past month but today I feel them the strongest. Never lose sight of the end goal.

Cancer takes the Strong People

Cancer takes the strongest people. They fight for days, months, and years. They keep sight of the end goal they never stop fighting. They go through treatment and more treatment is it worth it yes and no. It makes them better the pain it causes them isn't worth it. I remember vividly January 17, 2008 it was a Thursday. That was the day my best friend was diagnosed with pnemioa. What they didn't know for about a month it was lung cancer. She went through treatment and was strong. She went into surgery to get part of her right lung removed. They said she would make it. She didn't make it. It was so sad to me to watch her die. It was a struggle. My life has changed I lost my best friend. I now run the American Fork Utah half marathon to find a cure for cancer. I miss her everyday. She taught me many things. The memories I have of her are my favorite.
My old boss's cancer has came back she is going through treatment again. She is a fighter. She keeps going strong even on the hard days she is still positive about it. She has never once said why me. She just says yeah it sucks but I will conquer it again. She is truly an amazing lady and such a great example to me. She helped me find happiness in a job and she knew that when I left I was ready to spread my wings and fly.
Cancer takes the strongest people. The people I love the most. Not a day goes by I don't think of my Grandma I wish she knew how much I love her. I take her flowers. She was amazing. She never stopped fighting.
Cancer doesn't choose favorites! Keep the faith and never lose sight of the end goal!

CNA Life

I work in the health care field people come and go. People die and its hard to watch them suffer and then I see when they finally let go and move on to the other side. Some come into our hearts and never leave watching them suffer jerks at the heart. I am so thankful for the plan of salvation. I wish everyone in the world truly knew about it. It gets me through my hard days. Sometimes I think back to when I was in my teenage years my best friend was my Grandma! I watched her suffer and leave this world 9 years ago. May 22, 2008 was the day my life changed forever I lost my best friend and no one was ever going to fill that void. Working as a CNA has changed my life. I have been adopted by some of the residents they take me in as one of their own. I love this one man so very much he just melts my heart with his smile. He is so funny. He told me I would die before him and I said okay I'll be waiting for you. I told him the other day if he dies before me to say hi to my grandma for me and he said she would be so proud of you. He is quite the character.
I wouldn't change my decision about being a CNA for anything. I love helping people and serving them because that is what my mom taught me to do. I learned that even though people come and go the ones you truly love will always have a place in your heart. I love my job! It has molded me into the person that I need to become. It has helped me learn to love people for who they truly are. I am so thankful for all I have in my life. Even when the going gets tough the tough get going. I have learned to follow my heart and my dreams and not give up. Life is hard but it is worth the fight. I see these people fight so hard to live and I am upset that my yellow pants are ruined that is so little compared to them who worry about seeing the sunshine tomorrow.
CNA life is amazing! I love it and hate it! It is hard but it teaches me to love unconditionally like the savior does.
Death is a normal thing it is hard it doesn't get easier you just have to know that there is life after death and you will see them again. Because families can be together forever!

Is it worth it?!

It doesn't make you a bad person if you don't have a degree. It helps you get a real person job but if your heart isn't into it, it isn't worth it. Lately, people have been asking me if I am doing to change my major because I can't pass a test answer NO! Do I want to teach the rest of my life I think so but I do know that once I get my degree I can follow my heart and move to Rhode Island and work as a teacher and at a bakery.
You can take the bakery from the girl but you can't take the baker or the happiness. It is so hard for me to concentrate when I don't want to go to school. I don't understand what is on the page I am supposed to read. The words don't make sense I can sit and stare at it for hours on end and still get nothing out of it. I study so hard and yet my grades don't show it. I ask teachers for help and they don't want to help. I am asking for help and when I come to you for help I am low and need it. I don't ask unless I physically can't do it anymore. Is this something to keep fighting for. 3 more semesters I keep telling myself, The adventures it is going to take me on is endless. I just have to keep believing in myself because nobody else will.
Keep the Faith! Don't lose sight of the end goal! The end is near! I AM A FIGHTER! NOT A QUITTER!