It is okay to go visit…. But not to stay.

Hello Blogger Fam,

What a crazy month it has been and it still is going strong. You know the days when life is hard and you say tomorrow will be better? Well, this month has been one of those days for a month until someone was brave enough to call and say "This isn't the happy girl I know." The moment the person said that was the moment I cried for the last time for being in the deep dark hole that I couldn't get out of. The moment they said that was the moment I knew no one could pull me out by myself. I am a strong independent woman and I am the ruler of my life.  I knew that I had no one in my corner. I knew I was alone. I knew that my students didn't deserve the teacher they were having, they deserve the happy teacher who loves them. Not the one that has to force herself to love them because she can't love herself. That day I turned to my Heavenly Father in tears sobbing about my problems and how hard my life is and why I don't understand why it is happening to me. I don't understand why I am still single at 31, in the society in which we live, there is something wrong with me and you know what it's true. You know I got answers maybe not the ones I truly wanted or what I wanted to hear. But I am so thankful for the people in my life who are willing to have hard conversations with me because they love me and care about me and they are willing to listen. I have been so frustrated at the world, my job and just at life itself. Why because it just seems so unfair because my two best friends are getting married and I am just single. Why is everyone happy and not me well I can tell you the answer that I know it is because I am choosing to be upset at the world and once I get out of that my life will turn around and be what I want it to be. Someone once told me that you can go and visit that place of emotion but you can't stay there it is a dangerous road. I honestly can't remember who said that to me but it is true. I made up my mind yesterday that I was going to get out of this place. I am doing better I am still not 100% but I am getting there. I am so thankful for my life and for all the people I have in my life that truly care and love me. 

When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊

I am off to my next adventure. Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play Harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT!  Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!

Hello 2023

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

Can you believe it is 2023! Welcome to a new adventure! I wish I could say I have something profound to say for the new year but I don't. I do want to tell you about a new adventure I am going to embarc on. 

I have finally reached the age where I am too old for the YSA ward so they say you can go to a family ward or to the mid singles so I decided to try the mid singles because why not go and be the fresh meat on the market right. Well, I went yesterday... A boy walked in and I said in my head that is so and so. I know him. We went to high school together, we were in the same stake growing up. He wouldn't know me from Adam. But I knew someone was there it would make it easier for me to go. Does he know how grateful I am that he was there no, did I say hi no, I didn't want to interrupt his conversation with the other person. Did he recognize me? I don't know but at least I knew him and that helped me know that this mid singles ward wasn't scary and it is the place I need to be. 

I have been so scared to leave the YSA ward because it has become my family. I have never found a ward where I am truly loved for who I am. I am accepted even for my weirdness. I am so thankful for my time in the YSA ward and all the things I have learned and the friendships I have made. Sometimes the scariest thing to do is what we need to do the most.

I am off to a new adventure! Here is to 2023 may it be the best year yet! 

When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊

I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!

He said I could stay

Hello Blogger World,

Happy Monday! What a whirlwind of a year it has been! From the Bahamas, to Phoenix, Oklahoma and many other adventures. The school year is hard. Worth it in the end they say. Maybe in June I will think that right now I am just trying to stay above the water and not drown! 

Today I went to the gym this morning as I do. I talked to the Bishop after the treadmill as I do, he is a man who has so much love for me to be talking to me after the treadmill! Because no one ever should want to talk to me after the treadmill haha! He told me I could stay in the ward even though I have aged out. Now I just need a reason to! He has given me a reason to but is it for the right reasons? Is it because I am afraid to put my trust in god and to move on or do I want to stay because it is a safe place and I worry about what will happen to linger longer once I leave. 

I love this ward so much. I think I am ready to move on but I am afraid because I don't like change. These are the questions in my heart and right now no one but Heavenly Father knows the answer. I told the Bishop I would let him know Wednesday what I wanted to do. I am not sure. I am going to be spending many hours on my knees to figure out what I need to do! I am so grateful for the option to stay but the real question is do I want to stay? 

He said I could stay! Is that the answer I wanted or is it just the easy thing? I just need a reason too! 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. until next time Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play harder and Run your heart out. Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a CHERRY COKE! 😊 

Words that Reigned True

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

I would like to tell you of an experience I have had this week. As I have been thinking about life and what I am doing with my life. Back in July I went to ward auxiliary and one of the sisters in my ward was struggling. Her mom had a health scare and as we were sitting in ward auxiliary meeting the Bishop said if you need anything please let us know, we are a ward family and you don't have to go through this alone. As I think about those words I never thought they would enter my mind again. Well they have and haven't left. The weather has gotten colder and my roommate right now my worst enemy won't let us run the heat because she gets too hot and the broiler makes a noise that it shouldn't make and I can hear it from my room which is two floors above hers. Well, anyway, Wednesday night it was cold and Thursday I woke up to a 57 degree house. Mind you I have my heat set up to 65 and it has been there for a month and no change in temperature. Thursday, I had finally gotten word that the heat people were going to come finally. I was at a relief society activity and someone said Jill you look stressed. I said with a sigh my heat is broken and I just can't handle it anymore. The next thing I know she brings me a space heater and said I hope this helps. I have never been one to ask for help because I don't want to be an inconvenience to people and growing up we never asked for help because that was a sign of weakness. That moment I told Lexi my heat was broken was the moment those words entered my mind. We are a ward family and you don't have to do this alone. I never have turned to the ward for help because I don't need them to know my struggles but Thursday I was so cold and upset that the heat was broken. That I just complained and wanted someone to listen and not only one person but the whole bishopric and a few others. 

It was amazing to me to see how everyone was so concerned about my heat being broken and all the text that I got to see if my heat was fixed. I had many people say if you need a heater please let us know. Even the next morning at the gym the Bishop asked if my heat got fixed and I said no Monday and he yet again said if you need some heaters let us know. Was I going to ask no of course not it wasn't his fault my roommate is an idiot and it wasn't his fault it didn't work. Let me tell you something. Not having heat sucks. I am so thankful for my ward family who has let me borrow some space heaters so I can keep warm and not freeze. I am so thankful to be a part of my ward. It has taken a while but I do love this ward and the people in it. I have learned this week that you have a ward family to lean on when life is hard even if it is just because your heat is broken. I am truly blessed to be a part of this ward! 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. until next time Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play harder and Run your heart out. Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a CHERRY COKE! 😊

Answer to my prayers

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

How lucky can a girl get?! I got to go and see my best friend in Oklahoma. It was a delay to get there but I got there and it was the best thing ever! I loved seeing her and how happy she was. I have longed for that happiness for months. Not just like fake happiness that you want people to see but true happiness. The happiness where you can see it in someone's face. I have wanted that as this school year has taken it from me it has drained me. It has pushed buttons I didn't even know I had. It has brought our fears I didn't know existed and even has shown me that you don't outgrow things. 

Oklahoma was amazing! I love the kindness of the people and the love that they had for each other. I loved to see what my friend found and the adventures we went on. 

Many people asked me why I went. I didn't only go to see my best friend I went to find myself. I went to do some soul searching, did I find what I was looking for? Yes, I did but I also learned many other things. I learned that sometimes things our out of your control and you just have to be patient and wait out the storm. I learned that I would rather be alive than dead. Before I left for Oklahoma, I had prayed many times to die and the answer was always not yet, not yet. I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I went and came back happy and someone said I am so happy to see your smile again. The last time I lost my smile I was in a very toxic place. Smiling again and laughing has helped me make it through these past two weeks back at work. 

Work is hard and I love being a teacher but this year I was questioning my decisions, I am glad I stayed and stuck it out and never gave up. I want to share a story with you about something that has changed my perspective. I have a little friend Harley named changed. He is a very spunky, smart hardworking student, but sometimes I don't know what happens and he just goes crazy.  Recently a new adult has come to help him and can I just tell you that it has been such a blessing in my life to have this person in my classroom and in my corner. Not only does Mr. Muscles take care of Harley he helps my other friends too. He has changed the atmosphere in my classroom and has made it calmer. Mr. Muscles is truly an answer to my prayers and my mom's too. My mom hasn't had very many crying phone calls. Of I want to quit, I give up, I can't do it anymore. I think I can make it. It is amazing for me to see the change in my stress level with someone else in my classroom just to help with my special friend and my other friends too. Mr. Muscles has changed my life only in the short time he has been in my classroom and I am so grateful for that! He will never know what an impact he has had. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers! 

Life is starting to look up again. Not saying it is getting easier but it is bearable and I can breathe again. I am so thankful for a father in heaven who listens and knows what is best for me even when I don't. I am thankful to know that he is listening to all of my prayers, even the crying and pleading ones. I am thankful to know that he hears even the silent ones that no one knows.  

Well, I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊 

 

 

This is the happy girl that I knew was hiding deep down inside.

Do you ever feel?

 Hello Blogger World! 

Have you ever felt like your world is crashing down and you can't do anything about it? You can't fake right to catch the pieces or fake left either. Well, this week has been such a world wind. I honestly am just numb to the pain and the last time I got this way was in 2016 when I left a job because it was toxic and it was just an employee who was there that I needed space from and my only choices were to leave or to have to pack up everything and move to Mt. View Wyoming. 

Let's go back to Friday evening. I got a text from my boss at 1643 saying I need to meet with you Monday morning before school. I text her and ask her why, no response, I call her and she ignores my calls. Nothing then at about 1710 she text back and I quote, "I will see you Monday morning at 7:50 and we will talk then" unquote. So what does that mean? You guessed it all weekend I was worried about being fired and what I was going to do. You know what, I finally came to terms with being fired and I was like that's okay, new adventure. I get to work. I get my carpool covered and go to meet with her at 0750 and guess who is late, you guessed right. Then she tries to make small talk with me and I don't do small talk after I have already prepared for the worst. I went into the office and the first thing she said was sorry to make me worry all weekend. She said it with a laugh. She wasn't sorry or she would have told me not to worry about it. Well, anyway she informed me that I was too abrasive at carpool because a parent complained and after doing some investigation I was the person. I emailed her later that day and asked her and she said, "The parent told me that they felt you were extremely curt in your responses and timelines." What because I follow the APA guidelines, get the students in the car and get off the curb. She told me I needed to take a break from carpool and I told my other boss and she said no you don't! 

She also informed me that I don't respect authority and my text messages are not appropriate because I use shouty capitals sometimes. Well, don't ask my opinion if you don't want it. She told me ALL CAPS are not appropriate in a work setting ever. But yet she has sent three emails this week using them. WOW! Oh sorry wow. All caps are never appropriate. 

For some reason this is just something that I can't shake. Usually I can shake it off but this I can't because all weekend I was worried if I lost my job and worried about what I did wrong or what I didn't do. Don't come to me on a Friday and tell me to meet with you on a Monday if you aren't even going to explain why. I was wronged in this situation. Did I do something wrong yes and I will own it but you do not need to be little me. I have deleted and blocked her number and any communication she wants to have with me is via email or recorded anytime she talks to me because I am not playing this game anymore. I talked to my attorney for legal advice on this matter.

I honestly feel like my world is crashing and I can't pick up the pieces. I had a friend who was super strong for me Monday when I needed someone to care. He was there checking on me. He listened and didn't even give advice he just listened and that is what I needed. I didn't need advice, I just needed someone to listen to how hard it has been. 

As I sit in a training today I just sit here saying is this really what I want my life to be like. Is this where I want to be for the rest of my life? Do I go back to school? Do I follow my 8 year old dreams? What would my 8 year old self say? It was to say wow Jill you messed up. You took the easy road. Why did you give up on something you wanted to be? Why did you stop working for your goals? Why did you let what someone said to you affect your choices? YOU CAN BECOME an attorney and open my own law firm in Rhode Island? You can do anything just don't give up, keep fighting the fight! YOU CAN DO THIS! 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊 

Students are People too.

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

I wrote this a week ago. I want to share a story about my week. I know I have talked about fear before and I am sure you are saying Jill what are you afraid of now. I teach first grade and I used to love my job but this year has been hard. I have a wonderful bunch of students and a few special friends. I want to tell you about Wednesday. 

I went to school as I always do and got here a little later than usual because I talked too long at the gym but that's fine. It is where I complain and they just listen like they understand what I am saying. I get the best advice at 0530 in the morning. Just a normal day and then at 0945 a switch flipped in one of my students, he tried to escape texted who I needed to then finally sent the rest to recess at 1000. At 1015 when they come back I am at the East door and Mr. Friendly is at the West door taking punches from this student. I say hey Harley (name changed) I need your help he comes to me and then I hear Mr. Friendly say you will not hit her. So Harley runs back to the door to get out at this point Mr. Friendly is outside holding it. I am teaching cursive and praying so hard for this to be over. The look in that student's eye was like I am going to hurt you. The anger in that student I saw that day. I am afraid of animals as you all know. That fear filled my heart and my mind. I was standing at the back of the room trying to figure out how to save my students from this angry soul. I am paralyzed I can't move, I can't breathe. My boss sends a text, Jill we just need the data, I'm sorry you are doing great. I'm holding back the scared tears. Then a lady comes in and tackles him and I get my class to look at me and then I send them to math. Shaken, confused, scared in the corner and the only thing I could do was pray in my head to be able to teach math and to get out of the corner.  Ever since I was 16 when I lost my best friend when times have gotten hard I have sung I am a Child of God in my head. That is the only thing that day that kept the tears away, because I knew my Heavenly Father loved me! He loved my little Harley too. I know that my Heavenly Father will protect me always but this day was a day that I knew it, because I couldn't have finished the day without the love of my Heavenly Father and help. I will never forget the way I felt that day and the fear that was inside me. I learned a valuable lesson that day. You can only ignore so much until then you can't move, you can't breathe and you just pray to make it out alive. I never want my students in my class to ever have to feel like that. I am there to protect them and I will do whatever it takes to protect them! 

I know that you are probably thinking Jill you are over dramatic and yes most days I am but not this day. It was a huge thing and yet still nothing is really being done about it. I ate lunch in my car even though I am not supposed to. I ate lunch there because I knew that it was safe and no one could get to me or hurt me in there because I have the power to keep them out. What an adventure of the week! I love my job! I love my students. Sometimes you just get some punches that you aren't ready for. 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊