I did my BEST it wasn't GOOD ENOUGH!

When I thought I had everything going right for me in my life I always get a little bit of a slap in the face or you could say a huge slap in the face. This past week I took a test that will get me into the Elementary Education program. It is a four section test. I went to find the testing center with my friend the night before and he told me that I could do it and pass all of them and I believed him. I believed him because he has never lied to me before. I went in thinking man I got this the only section I was truly worried about was the math. Lucky for me I passed that the first time. The other ones I am back to the drawing board. I just remember coming out of the test feeling defeated and I couldn't face the world. I remember the feelings of discouragement and feeling worthless but that was nothing new. I snap chatted my best friend then we went and got frozen yogurt together. He listened to me complain and saw me at the lowest time in my life. I was so upset. I was ready to give up and he was there to pick me up when I had no one. No one was home and I was in no condition to drive to Brigham and I didn't want to be alone. I had tears streaming down my cheeks, my eyes were red and puffy. He made time for me I know he had better things to do than to listen to me be upset about how stupid and dumb I felt. Not once did he call me stupid or dumb. He said Jill you'll get them next time. It's okay we can try again. I didn't care that we didn't talk for a bit it was just having someone near was all that I needed. He helped me feel like I matter and that it didn't matter that I didn't pass. It wasn't the end of the world but really it was.I am done fighting this fight that doesn't seem like it is going to end. I am doing my best I just get upset when my best isn't good enough. IT never is good enough. I am never good enough!

I feel like no one cares. No one knows the struggles I am struggling no one is here to hear my cries. No one knows how broken my heart truly is. I hate when you do your best and it just isn't good enough. I have done my best and most of the time it hasn't been good enough but right now. I am defeated and done. I can't keep fighting because it isn't worth it anymore. The only thing worth fighting for is staying strong and not letting people see the discouraged me and letting them know that I will bounce back to the happy girl I used to be. It is so hard to pretend to be happy when you aren't. I tell myself I am fine everyday because the more I tell myself that the more I believe it. Life is hard we just can't let it get us down. I know it is easier said than done. Keep fighting for what you want. Don't quit because it seems impossible. I have learned through my short life of living the things that seem impossible are the greatest blessings.
Live the dream! Go on adventures often never give up the fight. It will be worth it. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout! Until next time.

DREAM COME TRUE!

I finally lived my childhood dream! I went to Rhode Island and it was just as I imagined it was so beautiful! I went with a girl from work. My dad has told me for many years that we don't have any money for that so with my tax returns I went. We rode the train to Boston Massachusetts it was amazing to me to see how close everything was to Rhode Island. It is the smallest state. People there asked why we were there and I was like it has always been my dream to go so we came. They looked at me like what is wrong with you. The people there are so nice and loving. I love how kind they were you best bet I snap chatted so much. I loved to see the ocean, the mansions were the most amazing things ever. I am so thankful that I got to see them. We went to a vineyard and it was so awesome. They have 64,000 acres of grapes. I loved learning how it was made and how it has to be kept at different temperatures for different kinds.
It was so green there. I love it there. I want to move there once I finish school it has always been my dream to live there. Why I don't know. Dreams do come true you just have to work to get them. I learned that being there nothing was impossible. Coming home was so hard for me. My heart was so sad. It was so happy to go and to live a little. I have been happy in life and I am happy for the most part but being there it was like there was no worry in the world, even though there was a few it was so great to just go and live my childhood dream. The ocean was beautiful the harbors made my heart smile. I haven't been that happy in a long time. When we got back I got into a dark slump and only a few people knew it my family and this kid at work. I don't know how he knew but he was so nice to me and willing to help me out. He is an interesting character. He cracks me up. Rhode Island is amazing! I know people think I am crazy for wanting to go there and that is quite alright with me. I am just so thankful I got to go and to see the world. I can't wait to go back.
I learned to go and live my dreams and to not let anything stand in my way. Follow your heart! Until next time Peace Out Cub Scout!

A Place I Never thought I would Love is a Place I Love

A place I love is Fargo North Dakota I never in a million years would of thought that it would be one of my favorite places in this world, I served my mission there and it was so hard! I had a heck of a time. I had a mission president who hated me and wanted nothing to do with me. I knew I was supposed to serve I served with all I had. I wanted to go home so many times.
I went and ran the Fargo half marathon. I know that seems crazy to many of you but it meant the world to me to go back and see the things I have missed. I never knew how much I loved it there until I was back on my home ground of the mission. The good memories flooded my mind the bad ones didn't. I saw two people who I served with. They were the important ones. I ran the half with all I had I was slower than I wanted to be but I did my best. The memories came back and my heart was happy again. It has been sad for awhile and no one knows that. Running that half helped me realize that anything is possible. My parents drove cross country to take me there. There was over 10,000 people there. The love you feel in that town is a love that I can not explain to you. Seeing the streets I used to walk the church I used to tape my heels at. Oh the great time I had while I was there in 2013 and 2014. I never thought I would say that I am glad I went back.
Fargo has a special place in my heart the people that took me in the people that treated me with respect when the mission president didn't. Those people loved me for me the craziness and all. Fargo is a random place to want to run a half marathon to you but to me it was returning to a place that helped mold me into the person I need to become.  It helped me know that the whole world didn't hate me even though I thought it did and was pretty sure.
I saw Momma Deem from Grand Forks she is an amazing lady who helped me finish the mission strong there was no giving up with her around. Papa Rote was the other person I saw and visited with. He is a man of many talents he took care of the sister missionaries. He dropped everything to help us. I remember in my last months of my mission going to Fargo and having our dinner appointment cancel we texted him and he brought us dinner.
Fargo is a flat place but it is so amazing and beautiful there! I am so thankful that I got to serve there and to meet all the people I did. I am so thankful for the opportunity I had to run the half marathon up there. It was a long trip but totally worth it. I went with a mission companion.
Since the time I have served my mission I have became a happier person I let go of the bitterness. I have grown to love my heavenly father and savoir so much. Running this half helped me realize that life is for adventure and to be lived! Follow your heart it will take you far in life! It will never lead you astray I know that to be true I have seen it in my life!
I am off to my next adventure have fun live the dream! Keep the Faith! Never lose sight of the end goal it is always in sight it sometimes is hard to see but it will come. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel we just have to trust in the Lord!

Just when I think I have life figured out!

Life is like a roller coaster right when I think I have my life under control and it is going in the right direction. I have a HUGE curve ball thrown and hits me in the face. I finally got my life on track where I need to be then I get a huge hit in the face. I know that is how life goes. I am only losing $60 instead of $1600. I guess that is the bright side. 

I decided it was a good thing I am running a half marathon next week because if I wasn't I would be drinking a lot of coke because that is what I do when life gets hard. But once it gets simple I don't need it in my life. I have been working on cutting it out some days are easier than others. I know that soda is bad for my health but it is better than other things I could put into my body. I am so thankful for the body I have it has taken me thousands of miles and continues to. I am so thankful for the ability I have to run it has taken me many places, places I have never imagined! I have met so many great people. I even see my neighbors from my home town at some of them. It is always an adventure. I am so blessed for the ability I have to run. I am so glad running chose me. You can take the shoes from the girl but you can take the runner out of her!

I also today realized how much I miss my brother and how I haven't really seen him since I have been home from my mission. Now I understand why he was so sad when I wasn't home when he got home from his mission. He is my best friend and he is in Alaska until my birthday and that is a long time away. He is driving a tour bus living his dream.

I know he is happy and that is all that matters to me because he only deserves the best in life. He is one of the most amazing people I know. I am so glad he is my brother. He has never left me down he is the best brother a girl could ask for.

I have finally started to get my life where I want it to go and I just wish that sometimes it could be great all the time with out the challenges but then it wouldn't be any fun at all. Sometimes I just forget that I need to count my blessings to see how good life really is. I am living the dream and I have a friend who is willing to go on adventures with me. I have learned that it doesn't matter how hard life is it just matters how you handle what is thrown at you. I know that sometimes in my life I have not handled things the best but I have gotten what I have needed and I have never once felt like my father in heaven has let me down. I have always gotten what I have needed it may have been hard but it was worth it to see the person I have become from where I was years ago. I wouldn't change that for anything. 

Well until next time I think that is all I have for today. Have a great week! Live the dream! Follow your heart and go on an adventure! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout!

Mission

Today as I visited one of my companions from my mission we talked about old times. It helped me realize now that my mission wasn't that bad it was hard because that was what I needed at the time to become who my heavenly Father wanted me to become. As I felt and saw the spirit she had I long for that. I want that. I know that the mission is what I needed in my life at that time. It helped me know that everyone is not trustworthy or deserving of my trust.
As I am learning to trust people again I am seeing the pure love of Christ that I haven't had in my life for awhile. I have missed that in my life. As I look for the positives about my mission I feel better about my life knowing that I served and I did my best! I am so thankful for the struggles. I am happy where I am in my life now! I am so blessed to live the life I do.
I have been struggling alot lately no one really knows I have just cut people put of my life. I know what is missing in my life and that is serving others. I am happiest when I serve not only the Lord but others as well. As I serve others I am serving the Lord. Life is hard and sometime when you feel like nobody cares and you have noone. I know my father in heaven is there because he gives me opportunities to serve. He shows me he loves me in many different ways if it is just from a kind stranger smile or a phone call from my best friend!
Today my father in heaven showed me he loved me by having a welcoming committee as I walked in the door I was not very happy when I walked in the door. Today I had a reality slap in my face I just don't understand why I fight so hard for what I want in my life and others just get it handed to them. I have learned that I am in the same spot that I was a year ago but a year ago I was happy with where I am in life. Right now I don't even know anymore. I am doing my best I just don't know what to do when my best isn't good enough. Maybe nursing isn't for me maybe I just need to go back to education because all my classes are done for that.
School is hard but as you fight to get through it, it will be worth it. I have learned a lot about myself over this past year and I will fight to get what I want in life. I will work hard  to get there and when I feel like I can't fight any harder there is always a little bit more that I can do.
Life is hard but as we trust the lord everything will be okay even when it seems like it won't.
I am living the dream and keeping the faith! Off to my next adventure. Peace out Cub scout.

Growing Up!

Growing up is hard we all know that! We all face different battles. One I fight daily is being the friend that is only called when they are in trouble and need someone stable. I had plans for spring break with one of my best friends and then she bailed but I knew she would she always does. She is one of those people who says she'll do something but then she doesn't do it. I rearranged my schedule for her. I always knew I was low life soap scum. I always have been.

You are just a Momma's girl all you ever do it spend time with her which is fine but sometimes you need to spend time with other people. I understand family is important but so are other people. I know that I will never matter to you and that is fine with me.

You assume I am not going to go to institute you don't know me you don't know the desires of my heart. I know you will never read my blog because you won't have time like you informed me today at school that you didn't have time for me. Thanks when I really needed you, you weren't there but when you need me I will always be there.

You hurt my feelings yesterday. What you didn't know was the battle I was fighting. I just failed a test and then it proceeded to be that way the rest of the day. That is okay though. You win some and lose some. I just learn differently than you. I learn by being hands on.

Glitter in the Mail!

Rough days come and go. Some are harder than others. You pray all day for someone to care and to just know that you are struggling and then your answer comes in the most simplest of ways through a letter full of glitter. It is the simple things that mean the most. 

Not that life is hard but it is at times. Not that it was a bad day it was just a day that wasn't as smooth as normal and people said dumb things. My best friend said I didn't think you were coming. What she didn't know what how my morning went. The train was late it's okay I studied and prepared for a test, I took my test felt really good got my score. It's okay you win some and lose some. It doesn't mean I am not smart it means I am human and I struggle. 

Yesterday was just my day to struggle it's okay. What no one knows is that I cried in my room for hours because I know I will never be good enough. My best friend she always asks what I get on the test to make herself feel better I wish she wouldn't have to be little me to feel good about herself. If that's what you need that's fine but I can only do so much to bring you up before I have to let you go. It's me your right I am dumb but I do my best and if it isn't good enough for you then I am done with you.

We used to have the same goals but now we don't and that's totally fine! I know we grow up and move on but its so hard to go to school and no that you are just another person no one will ever notice. Just another wall flower. I am going to get a degree and become the person I know I can be.

I am off to another adventure who knows what it will be but it will be an adventure that is for sure. Riding Solo. Living the dream! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout.