Just when I think I have life figured out!

Life is like a roller coaster right when I think I have my life under control and it is going in the right direction. I have a HUGE curve ball thrown and hits me in the face. I finally got my life on track where I need to be then I get a huge hit in the face. I know that is how life goes. I am only losing $60 instead of $1600. I guess that is the bright side. 

I decided it was a good thing I am running a half marathon next week because if I wasn't I would be drinking a lot of coke because that is what I do when life gets hard. But once it gets simple I don't need it in my life. I have been working on cutting it out some days are easier than others. I know that soda is bad for my health but it is better than other things I could put into my body. I am so thankful for the body I have it has taken me thousands of miles and continues to. I am so thankful for the ability I have to run it has taken me many places, places I have never imagined! I have met so many great people. I even see my neighbors from my home town at some of them. It is always an adventure. I am so blessed for the ability I have to run. I am so glad running chose me. You can take the shoes from the girl but you can take the runner out of her!

I also today realized how much I miss my brother and how I haven't really seen him since I have been home from my mission. Now I understand why he was so sad when I wasn't home when he got home from his mission. He is my best friend and he is in Alaska until my birthday and that is a long time away. He is driving a tour bus living his dream.

I know he is happy and that is all that matters to me because he only deserves the best in life. He is one of the most amazing people I know. I am so glad he is my brother. He has never left me down he is the best brother a girl could ask for.

I have finally started to get my life where I want it to go and I just wish that sometimes it could be great all the time with out the challenges but then it wouldn't be any fun at all. Sometimes I just forget that I need to count my blessings to see how good life really is. I am living the dream and I have a friend who is willing to go on adventures with me. I have learned that it doesn't matter how hard life is it just matters how you handle what is thrown at you. I know that sometimes in my life I have not handled things the best but I have gotten what I have needed and I have never once felt like my father in heaven has let me down. I have always gotten what I have needed it may have been hard but it was worth it to see the person I have become from where I was years ago. I wouldn't change that for anything. 

Well until next time I think that is all I have for today. Have a great week! Live the dream! Follow your heart and go on an adventure! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout!

Mission

Today as I visited one of my companions from my mission we talked about old times. It helped me realize now that my mission wasn't that bad it was hard because that was what I needed at the time to become who my heavenly Father wanted me to become. As I felt and saw the spirit she had I long for that. I want that. I know that the mission is what I needed in my life at that time. It helped me know that everyone is not trustworthy or deserving of my trust.
As I am learning to trust people again I am seeing the pure love of Christ that I haven't had in my life for awhile. I have missed that in my life. As I look for the positives about my mission I feel better about my life knowing that I served and I did my best! I am so thankful for the struggles. I am happy where I am in my life now! I am so blessed to live the life I do.
I have been struggling alot lately no one really knows I have just cut people put of my life. I know what is missing in my life and that is serving others. I am happiest when I serve not only the Lord but others as well. As I serve others I am serving the Lord. Life is hard and sometime when you feel like nobody cares and you have noone. I know my father in heaven is there because he gives me opportunities to serve. He shows me he loves me in many different ways if it is just from a kind stranger smile or a phone call from my best friend!
Today my father in heaven showed me he loved me by having a welcoming committee as I walked in the door I was not very happy when I walked in the door. Today I had a reality slap in my face I just don't understand why I fight so hard for what I want in my life and others just get it handed to them. I have learned that I am in the same spot that I was a year ago but a year ago I was happy with where I am in life. Right now I don't even know anymore. I am doing my best I just don't know what to do when my best isn't good enough. Maybe nursing isn't for me maybe I just need to go back to education because all my classes are done for that.
School is hard but as you fight to get through it, it will be worth it. I have learned a lot about myself over this past year and I will fight to get what I want in life. I will work hard  to get there and when I feel like I can't fight any harder there is always a little bit more that I can do.
Life is hard but as we trust the lord everything will be okay even when it seems like it won't.
I am living the dream and keeping the faith! Off to my next adventure. Peace out Cub scout.

Growing Up!

Growing up is hard we all know that! We all face different battles. One I fight daily is being the friend that is only called when they are in trouble and need someone stable. I had plans for spring break with one of my best friends and then she bailed but I knew she would she always does. She is one of those people who says she'll do something but then she doesn't do it. I rearranged my schedule for her. I always knew I was low life soap scum. I always have been.

You are just a Momma's girl all you ever do it spend time with her which is fine but sometimes you need to spend time with other people. I understand family is important but so are other people. I know that I will never matter to you and that is fine with me.

You assume I am not going to go to institute you don't know me you don't know the desires of my heart. I know you will never read my blog because you won't have time like you informed me today at school that you didn't have time for me. Thanks when I really needed you, you weren't there but when you need me I will always be there.

You hurt my feelings yesterday. What you didn't know was the battle I was fighting. I just failed a test and then it proceeded to be that way the rest of the day. That is okay though. You win some and lose some. I just learn differently than you. I learn by being hands on.

Glitter in the Mail!

Rough days come and go. Some are harder than others. You pray all day for someone to care and to just know that you are struggling and then your answer comes in the most simplest of ways through a letter full of glitter. It is the simple things that mean the most. 

Not that life is hard but it is at times. Not that it was a bad day it was just a day that wasn't as smooth as normal and people said dumb things. My best friend said I didn't think you were coming. What she didn't know what how my morning went. The train was late it's okay I studied and prepared for a test, I took my test felt really good got my score. It's okay you win some and lose some. It doesn't mean I am not smart it means I am human and I struggle. 

Yesterday was just my day to struggle it's okay. What no one knows is that I cried in my room for hours because I know I will never be good enough. My best friend she always asks what I get on the test to make herself feel better I wish she wouldn't have to be little me to feel good about herself. If that's what you need that's fine but I can only do so much to bring you up before I have to let you go. It's me your right I am dumb but I do my best and if it isn't good enough for you then I am done with you.

We used to have the same goals but now we don't and that's totally fine! I know we grow up and move on but its so hard to go to school and no that you are just another person no one will ever notice. Just another wall flower. I am going to get a degree and become the person I know I can be.

I am off to another adventure who knows what it will be but it will be an adventure that is for sure. Riding Solo. Living the dream! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout.

Sometimes I just get Angry!

Sometimes people worry about me because it is there job. My mom worries about me quite often. Sometimes more than I think she should like this week, Every now and again I just get down on life it doesn't happen very often but when it does I am down for a good three days before I can get out of the rut of feeling sorry and angry for myself. Tuesday was one of those days but lets be honest it all started on Sunday. Let us back the train up to Sunday.

Sunday was like any other Sunday nothing out of the usual just that I get to go to ward council and that is when all of my problems started! I went we talked and did what they do in those meetings. Then they need started talking about how new people feel, then they asked me what I thought and I let them have it! I was like well you have your clicks and you don't care about anyone but yourselves, when people sit by you on the bench you are still alone and they don't care about you they just sit there because it is an empty seat. Then the bishop said "Jill I knew there was a reason that I needed you here today." What they didn't know was that I was going to move my records from the ward because I don't think going to church and coming home angry is how it is supposed to be. Then after church I came home and I was all alone which is usually fine but not this day. That was my breaking point I was talking to my mom about what I was going to eat for dinner and that is always an adventure.

Monday was a fine day nothing exciting really happened. I worked and was med tech what the heck it was my first time in that area but I did it. I came home and didn't even say a word to anyone but I'll be up in a minute when I knew it wasn't true. Tuesday was a normal day nothing really exciting but it was the breaking point. I called my mom angrier than I ever had before. I wasn't mad at her I was just frustrated with how my life was going. I was mad no one was home and I had no one to talk to. My mom then proceeded to tell me to go get some dinner and to call her back and that helped a little bit but I was still so angry and mad at myself. 

I then went about my night like I always do. Then Uncle Spencer came downstairs to see if I was okay because I didn't come up and visit after work on Monday I usually sit and chit chat for a few minutes. I then proceeded to tell him my struggles, It not that my life is hard it was just one of those days when you can't handle it all on your own and need someone to help lighten your load. He asked if there was anything he could do for me and I said no then I asked if I could hug him and he hugged me and everything else seemed much better after that. Then I proceeded to finish my nightly routine then I went upstairs to talk to Uncle Spencer about something my institute teacher said then he proceeded to tell me not to worry. Then I went downstairs and I went to bed and then lived my life like I usually do. I still wasn't in the best of moods but eventually it passes and life is good again for another month or two.

It is the simple things in life that mean the most. I miss running to the door when my dad gets home from work and hugging him and asking him where he has been even though I knew the answer. Answers to our prayers come in ways different than we expect. I know that heavenly father knows us personally and the desires of our hearts.  He will never leave us comfort less even when we thing he has he is always there, waiting for us to talk to him. I have learned this week when I have felt alone that he has always been there. He has put people in my life that I needed and he takes them out when they need to go, 

I am so thankful to know that I have a loving heavenly father that loves me and cares about me. Well now that is my soap opera of the week! Have a great week! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout!

The Struggle is Real! Anatomy at UVU changes a person!

No one understands the pain of my heart, only my Father in heaven. He has been there through the tears and heart ache. He knows what I am capable of he knows that this struggle is what I need in my life right now. My heart is aching, tears fall every night and no one is aware it is like I am invisible and don't matter. I know that I matter to someone. I don't get notice in the halls at school I am just another body. I wish that I was at home because there I got hugged at least once a day and someone told me they loved me and I always knew that I mattered. I never had to worry about that. We said family prayer every morning. My parents would wake up in the mornings even when they could sleep in just to pray with me. They never once gave up on me. Even when I gave up on myself.
I remember a time I was truly happy in life it isn't right now because back then I didn't cry all the time only when something went wrong or when I was extremely hungry. I have learned what I want in a future husband, what kind of family life they need.
The pain in my heart is so strong. I pray to Heavenly Father to have him take some of it away and he does but there is still that burden that I carry. No one will understand how I am feeling because I cannot describe it in words to you. I have never hit rock bottom in my life like this. I have always felt worthless but not like this. I want to be the person that someone looks up to and says I hope one day to be as awesome as her.

I wrote this during anatomy Fall 2015 when everything seemed impossible.

Hardest Semester of my Life!

This semester has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me what it was like to be alone and have no one but my Father in Heaven. The days got darker and the nights got harder. No one knew the tears in the basement every night. Until this past Sunday my cousin heard the tears she didn't ask questions she wrote me a note and that was that and that was all I needed to feel important. That is when I knew everything was going to be okay. It was an answer to my prayers. I have learned this semester grades don't tell you how smart you are as a person, it doesn't tell you what kind of person you are. I worked hard for the grades I got I got what I deserved.

I taught myself math and chemistry. I had teachers who didn't care. I fought a good fight! I never gave up. I worked and worked at it. It took a lot of time but I didn't quit even after my toughest days when all I could do was cry and I would hope someone would be home to hug me and just let me cry. Those were the days I needed people the most and I didn't have anyone.

I know I maybe mad at my grades but its okay. They don't determine my future. I am doing my best and I know that's all I can do. I have learned to trust people again. I haven't been able to trust people for a long time since I got back from my mission. My mission hurt me as a person it taught me to hate people and trust no one. Being on the mission sucks at times, because you truly have no one but your father in heaven and even sometimes you feel like he isn't there.  But he always is there. I sometimes forget that!

I am starting to feel like I did when I came home from my mission. I was so anger I told myself I would never get that way again but I did. The negativity came back into my life and wanted to rule me and I let it. I am working on letting it go. Many people have wronged me but it is life you need to be the better person and move on. Moving on is hard but once you let them go everything seems to be much better.

I have seen the person I was before I went to school and who I am now. I wouldn't change my struggles for anything. I know I needed them in my life. I am pleased with who I am becoming. I may not have anything to show for this semester. I have my family and a group of friends that I would of never met otherwise. I can work hard and still not lose the faith!

This semester I have ran a full marathon, a half, and a 10k. I know that seems silly to you but things that seemed impossible at the first of the semester aren't as impossible as I thought. I never in a million years thought I would be a marathon runner.

Life is hard! Over this semester it has taught me that the lord is on my side! I have a family who loves me and will never give up on me even when I give up on myself. I have friends who are there well a split few. I have learned that school sucks but the kind words of encouragement will get you through anything.

Have a wonderful week! Just remember this to shall pass. Even when you lose sight of the end of the tunnel there is a light at the end. Never lose sight of your goals. Don't let things being hard determine your destiny or keep you from following your dreams!

Keep the Faith!

I wrote this back in December of 2015