Scared

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

I wrote this one Friday.

Two posts in a week. I am sure you are thinking about what is happening to this girl. Well, today it hit me when someone said, "You're nearing the end of this adventure. Getting ready to start your new one."  It was a man who doesn't say much but he listens and he doesn't make you feel dumb or stupid. He said it with so much love. I never knew walking away from something I love could be this hard. I know change is hard but I didn't think it would be this hard to leave. I know change is a part of life and we need to have experiences and find out who we truly are. 

I am so excited for this next chapter in my life. Honestly, I am so scared to leave everything. I am scared to leave my safe little space in a town I never thought I would live, my morning routine, talks at the gym Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I even asked my gym people if we could still be friends after I leave for this new adventure. He looked at me and said without missing a beat, "What kind of question is that? Of course." 

I am truly happy with the person I am becoming but I am so scared to take a leap of faith and go to the middle of nowhere with little cell phone service. But at least there is wifi and that is always a bonus! 

I am so lucky and thankful to embark on this new adventure and to find happiness again and find the beauty of the world again. It's an open country out there and I am so excited to fully see the stars and everything else. Be thankful for the simple things in life! 

I am off to my next adventure. When life gets hard, drink a COKE. 😊 Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal.  Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!  

New Life Adventure

 Hello Blogger Fam,

What a crazy roller coaster my life has been. I have been looking for a new job for the next school year. Not because I hate my job, I don't. I love my job with my whole heart. It is just time for a change. I am so thankful for my fan club at the gym that pushed me to look for a job so I could find happiness again. I would like to go back to February. That is when my interviewing started and for once in my life I thought something great was going to happen and I was going to get something that I wanted. Well, three months later I finally got the no. After many no's and telling my fan club at the gym every time I had an interview and every no. Finally, in April on a Monday one of them said after I said I got another no without missing a beat. You SUCK, you should have gotten a job by now, you suck at interviewing. It caught me off guard and he was right. My response, we already knew that clearly. He said he would help me and practice mock interviews with me. After he said that I wasn't mad because I knew he said it because he cares. I asked him in passing if he was serious about helping me and he said yes. I went about my life and my business as usual for the week. I applied for jobs that Tuesday and had a call within an hour of applying, I got  a call for an interview, set up for the next day. Interview so I thought it was a hot mess well guess what! I got the job! It is a very rural area and I couldn't be more excited! I went out and saw the school and met the people. It is going to be a great change and a life changing adventure. Am I sad to leave where I am? But I am ready for this new life adventure! I am ready for the excitement and the learning and growing experience it will be. 

I am so grateful for my family and friends that are supporting me on this new life adventure. I am so thankful to my gym fan club for believing in me enough to push me to look for a new job and for being there for me through the ups and down. The text messages that said I got another no. 

This year has been a really hard year. Just things have happened and things were said, I knew it was time to look for a new adventure and I found one, well this one found me. 

I am so thankful for the time I have had where I am and where I have been. I am thankful for all the things I have learned and the teacher I have become. But I am truly excited for this new adventure.

When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊

I am off to my next adventure. Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play Harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT!  Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!

It is okay to go visit…. But not to stay.

Hello Blogger Fam,

What a crazy month it has been and it still is going strong. You know the days when life is hard and you say tomorrow will be better? Well, this month has been one of those days for a month until someone was brave enough to call and say "This isn't the happy girl I know." The moment the person said that was the moment I cried for the last time for being in the deep dark hole that I couldn't get out of. The moment they said that was the moment I knew no one could pull me out by myself. I am a strong independent woman and I am the ruler of my life.  I knew that I had no one in my corner. I knew I was alone. I knew that my students didn't deserve the teacher they were having, they deserve the happy teacher who loves them. Not the one that has to force herself to love them because she can't love herself. That day I turned to my Heavenly Father in tears sobbing about my problems and how hard my life is and why I don't understand why it is happening to me. I don't understand why I am still single at 31, in the society in which we live, there is something wrong with me and you know what it's true. You know I got answers maybe not the ones I truly wanted or what I wanted to hear. But I am so thankful for the people in my life who are willing to have hard conversations with me because they love me and care about me and they are willing to listen. I have been so frustrated at the world, my job and just at life itself. Why because it just seems so unfair because my two best friends are getting married and I am just single. Why is everyone happy and not me well I can tell you the answer that I know it is because I am choosing to be upset at the world and once I get out of that my life will turn around and be what I want it to be. Someone once told me that you can go and visit that place of emotion but you can't stay there it is a dangerous road. I honestly can't remember who said that to me but it is true. I made up my mind yesterday that I was going to get out of this place. I am doing better I am still not 100% but I am getting there. I am so thankful for my life and for all the people I have in my life that truly care and love me. 

When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊

I am off to my next adventure. Until next time, Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play Harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT!  Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!

Hello 2023

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

Can you believe it is 2023! Welcome to a new adventure! I wish I could say I have something profound to say for the new year but I don't. I do want to tell you about a new adventure I am going to embarc on. 

I have finally reached the age where I am too old for the YSA ward so they say you can go to a family ward or to the mid singles so I decided to try the mid singles because why not go and be the fresh meat on the market right. Well, I went yesterday... A boy walked in and I said in my head that is so and so. I know him. We went to high school together, we were in the same stake growing up. He wouldn't know me from Adam. But I knew someone was there it would make it easier for me to go. Does he know how grateful I am that he was there no, did I say hi no, I didn't want to interrupt his conversation with the other person. Did he recognize me? I don't know but at least I knew him and that helped me know that this mid singles ward wasn't scary and it is the place I need to be. 

I have been so scared to leave the YSA ward because it has become my family. I have never found a ward where I am truly loved for who I am. I am accepted even for my weirdness. I am so thankful for my time in the YSA ward and all the things I have learned and the friendships I have made. Sometimes the scariest thing to do is what we need to do the most.

I am off to a new adventure! Here is to 2023 may it be the best year yet! 

When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊

I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out!

He said I could stay

Hello Blogger World,

Happy Monday! What a whirlwind of a year it has been! From the Bahamas, to Phoenix, Oklahoma and many other adventures. The school year is hard. Worth it in the end they say. Maybe in June I will think that right now I am just trying to stay above the water and not drown! 

Today I went to the gym this morning as I do. I talked to the Bishop after the treadmill as I do, he is a man who has so much love for me to be talking to me after the treadmill! Because no one ever should want to talk to me after the treadmill haha! He told me I could stay in the ward even though I have aged out. Now I just need a reason to! He has given me a reason to but is it for the right reasons? Is it because I am afraid to put my trust in god and to move on or do I want to stay because it is a safe place and I worry about what will happen to linger longer once I leave. 

I love this ward so much. I think I am ready to move on but I am afraid because I don't like change. These are the questions in my heart and right now no one but Heavenly Father knows the answer. I told the Bishop I would let him know Wednesday what I wanted to do. I am not sure. I am going to be spending many hours on my knees to figure out what I need to do! I am so grateful for the option to stay but the real question is do I want to stay? 

He said I could stay! Is that the answer I wanted or is it just the easy thing? I just need a reason too! 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. until next time Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play harder and Run your heart out. Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a CHERRY COKE! 😊 

Words that Reigned True

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

I would like to tell you of an experience I have had this week. As I have been thinking about life and what I am doing with my life. Back in July I went to ward auxiliary and one of the sisters in my ward was struggling. Her mom had a health scare and as we were sitting in ward auxiliary meeting the Bishop said if you need anything please let us know, we are a ward family and you don't have to go through this alone. As I think about those words I never thought they would enter my mind again. Well they have and haven't left. The weather has gotten colder and my roommate right now my worst enemy won't let us run the heat because she gets too hot and the broiler makes a noise that it shouldn't make and I can hear it from my room which is two floors above hers. Well, anyway, Wednesday night it was cold and Thursday I woke up to a 57 degree house. Mind you I have my heat set up to 65 and it has been there for a month and no change in temperature. Thursday, I had finally gotten word that the heat people were going to come finally. I was at a relief society activity and someone said Jill you look stressed. I said with a sigh my heat is broken and I just can't handle it anymore. The next thing I know she brings me a space heater and said I hope this helps. I have never been one to ask for help because I don't want to be an inconvenience to people and growing up we never asked for help because that was a sign of weakness. That moment I told Lexi my heat was broken was the moment those words entered my mind. We are a ward family and you don't have to do this alone. I never have turned to the ward for help because I don't need them to know my struggles but Thursday I was so cold and upset that the heat was broken. That I just complained and wanted someone to listen and not only one person but the whole bishopric and a few others. 

It was amazing to me to see how everyone was so concerned about my heat being broken and all the text that I got to see if my heat was fixed. I had many people say if you need a heater please let us know. Even the next morning at the gym the Bishop asked if my heat got fixed and I said no Monday and he yet again said if you need some heaters let us know. Was I going to ask no of course not it wasn't his fault my roommate is an idiot and it wasn't his fault it didn't work. Let me tell you something. Not having heat sucks. I am so thankful for my ward family who has let me borrow some space heaters so I can keep warm and not freeze. I am so thankful to be a part of my ward. It has taken a while but I do love this ward and the people in it. I have learned this week that you have a ward family to lean on when life is hard even if it is just because your heat is broken. I am truly blessed to be a part of this ward! 

Well, I am off to my next adventure. until next time Peace Out Cub Scout. Work hard, Play harder and Run your heart out. Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a CHERRY COKE! 😊

Answer to my prayers

 Hello Blogger Fam! 

How lucky can a girl get?! I got to go and see my best friend in Oklahoma. It was a delay to get there but I got there and it was the best thing ever! I loved seeing her and how happy she was. I have longed for that happiness for months. Not just like fake happiness that you want people to see but true happiness. The happiness where you can see it in someone's face. I have wanted that as this school year has taken it from me it has drained me. It has pushed buttons I didn't even know I had. It has brought our fears I didn't know existed and even has shown me that you don't outgrow things. 

Oklahoma was amazing! I love the kindness of the people and the love that they had for each other. I loved to see what my friend found and the adventures we went on. 

Many people asked me why I went. I didn't only go to see my best friend I went to find myself. I went to do some soul searching, did I find what I was looking for? Yes, I did but I also learned many other things. I learned that sometimes things our out of your control and you just have to be patient and wait out the storm. I learned that I would rather be alive than dead. Before I left for Oklahoma, I had prayed many times to die and the answer was always not yet, not yet. I was done. I couldn't do it anymore. I went and came back happy and someone said I am so happy to see your smile again. The last time I lost my smile I was in a very toxic place. Smiling again and laughing has helped me make it through these past two weeks back at work. 

Work is hard and I love being a teacher but this year I was questioning my decisions, I am glad I stayed and stuck it out and never gave up. I want to share a story with you about something that has changed my perspective. I have a little friend Harley named changed. He is a very spunky, smart hardworking student, but sometimes I don't know what happens and he just goes crazy.  Recently a new adult has come to help him and can I just tell you that it has been such a blessing in my life to have this person in my classroom and in my corner. Not only does Mr. Muscles take care of Harley he helps my other friends too. He has changed the atmosphere in my classroom and has made it calmer. Mr. Muscles is truly an answer to my prayers and my mom's too. My mom hasn't had very many crying phone calls. Of I want to quit, I give up, I can't do it anymore. I think I can make it. It is amazing for me to see the change in my stress level with someone else in my classroom just to help with my special friend and my other friends too. Mr. Muscles has changed my life only in the short time he has been in my classroom and I am so grateful for that! He will never know what an impact he has had. Thank you for being an answer to my prayers! 

Life is starting to look up again. Not saying it is getting easier but it is bearable and I can breathe again. I am so thankful for a father in heaven who listens and knows what is best for me even when I don't. I am thankful to know that he is listening to all of my prayers, even the crying and pleading ones. I am thankful to know that he hears even the silent ones that no one knows.  

Well, I am off to my next adventure. Until next time Peace Out Cub scout. Work hard, Play harder, RUN YOUR HEART OUT! Never lose sight of the end goal. Keep the Faith! Peace and Love! Over and Out! When life gets hard, drink a COKE! 😊 

 

 

This is the happy girl that I knew was hiding deep down inside.