Sometimes I just get Angry!

Sometimes people worry about me because it is there job. My mom worries about me quite often. Sometimes more than I think she should like this week, Every now and again I just get down on life it doesn't happen very often but when it does I am down for a good three days before I can get out of the rut of feeling sorry and angry for myself. Tuesday was one of those days but lets be honest it all started on Sunday. Let us back the train up to Sunday.

Sunday was like any other Sunday nothing out of the usual just that I get to go to ward council and that is when all of my problems started! I went we talked and did what they do in those meetings. Then they need started talking about how new people feel, then they asked me what I thought and I let them have it! I was like well you have your clicks and you don't care about anyone but yourselves, when people sit by you on the bench you are still alone and they don't care about you they just sit there because it is an empty seat. Then the bishop said "Jill I knew there was a reason that I needed you here today." What they didn't know was that I was going to move my records from the ward because I don't think going to church and coming home angry is how it is supposed to be. Then after church I came home and I was all alone which is usually fine but not this day. That was my breaking point I was talking to my mom about what I was going to eat for dinner and that is always an adventure.

Monday was a fine day nothing exciting really happened. I worked and was med tech what the heck it was my first time in that area but I did it. I came home and didn't even say a word to anyone but I'll be up in a minute when I knew it wasn't true. Tuesday was a normal day nothing really exciting but it was the breaking point. I called my mom angrier than I ever had before. I wasn't mad at her I was just frustrated with how my life was going. I was mad no one was home and I had no one to talk to. My mom then proceeded to tell me to go get some dinner and to call her back and that helped a little bit but I was still so angry and mad at myself. 

I then went about my night like I always do. Then Uncle Spencer came downstairs to see if I was okay because I didn't come up and visit after work on Monday I usually sit and chit chat for a few minutes. I then proceeded to tell him my struggles, It not that my life is hard it was just one of those days when you can't handle it all on your own and need someone to help lighten your load. He asked if there was anything he could do for me and I said no then I asked if I could hug him and he hugged me and everything else seemed much better after that. Then I proceeded to finish my nightly routine then I went upstairs to talk to Uncle Spencer about something my institute teacher said then he proceeded to tell me not to worry. Then I went downstairs and I went to bed and then lived my life like I usually do. I still wasn't in the best of moods but eventually it passes and life is good again for another month or two.

It is the simple things in life that mean the most. I miss running to the door when my dad gets home from work and hugging him and asking him where he has been even though I knew the answer. Answers to our prayers come in ways different than we expect. I know that heavenly father knows us personally and the desires of our hearts.  He will never leave us comfort less even when we thing he has he is always there, waiting for us to talk to him. I have learned this week when I have felt alone that he has always been there. He has put people in my life that I needed and he takes them out when they need to go, 

I am so thankful to know that I have a loving heavenly father that loves me and cares about me. Well now that is my soap opera of the week! Have a great week! Keep the Faith! Peace Out Cub Scout!

The Struggle is Real! Anatomy at UVU changes a person!

No one understands the pain of my heart, only my Father in heaven. He has been there through the tears and heart ache. He knows what I am capable of he knows that this struggle is what I need in my life right now. My heart is aching, tears fall every night and no one is aware it is like I am invisible and don't matter. I know that I matter to someone. I don't get notice in the halls at school I am just another body. I wish that I was at home because there I got hugged at least once a day and someone told me they loved me and I always knew that I mattered. I never had to worry about that. We said family prayer every morning. My parents would wake up in the mornings even when they could sleep in just to pray with me. They never once gave up on me. Even when I gave up on myself.
I remember a time I was truly happy in life it isn't right now because back then I didn't cry all the time only when something went wrong or when I was extremely hungry. I have learned what I want in a future husband, what kind of family life they need.
The pain in my heart is so strong. I pray to Heavenly Father to have him take some of it away and he does but there is still that burden that I carry. No one will understand how I am feeling because I cannot describe it in words to you. I have never hit rock bottom in my life like this. I have always felt worthless but not like this. I want to be the person that someone looks up to and says I hope one day to be as awesome as her.

I wrote this during anatomy Fall 2015 when everything seemed impossible.

Hardest Semester of my Life!

This semester has taught me a lot about myself. It taught me what it was like to be alone and have no one but my Father in Heaven. The days got darker and the nights got harder. No one knew the tears in the basement every night. Until this past Sunday my cousin heard the tears she didn't ask questions she wrote me a note and that was that and that was all I needed to feel important. That is when I knew everything was going to be okay. It was an answer to my prayers. I have learned this semester grades don't tell you how smart you are as a person, it doesn't tell you what kind of person you are. I worked hard for the grades I got I got what I deserved.

I taught myself math and chemistry. I had teachers who didn't care. I fought a good fight! I never gave up. I worked and worked at it. It took a lot of time but I didn't quit even after my toughest days when all I could do was cry and I would hope someone would be home to hug me and just let me cry. Those were the days I needed people the most and I didn't have anyone.

I know I maybe mad at my grades but its okay. They don't determine my future. I am doing my best and I know that's all I can do. I have learned to trust people again. I haven't been able to trust people for a long time since I got back from my mission. My mission hurt me as a person it taught me to hate people and trust no one. Being on the mission sucks at times, because you truly have no one but your father in heaven and even sometimes you feel like he isn't there.  But he always is there. I sometimes forget that!

I am starting to feel like I did when I came home from my mission. I was so anger I told myself I would never get that way again but I did. The negativity came back into my life and wanted to rule me and I let it. I am working on letting it go. Many people have wronged me but it is life you need to be the better person and move on. Moving on is hard but once you let them go everything seems to be much better.

I have seen the person I was before I went to school and who I am now. I wouldn't change my struggles for anything. I know I needed them in my life. I am pleased with who I am becoming. I may not have anything to show for this semester. I have my family and a group of friends that I would of never met otherwise. I can work hard and still not lose the faith!

This semester I have ran a full marathon, a half, and a 10k. I know that seems silly to you but things that seemed impossible at the first of the semester aren't as impossible as I thought. I never in a million years thought I would be a marathon runner.

Life is hard! Over this semester it has taught me that the lord is on my side! I have a family who loves me and will never give up on me even when I give up on myself. I have friends who are there well a split few. I have learned that school sucks but the kind words of encouragement will get you through anything.

Have a wonderful week! Just remember this to shall pass. Even when you lose sight of the end of the tunnel there is a light at the end. Never lose sight of your goals. Don't let things being hard determine your destiny or keep you from following your dreams!

Keep the Faith!

I wrote this back in December of 2015

What do I want from Christ?

Its has been awhile since I have blogged. I have been to angry and sad to blog about life because I was not happy with my life, where I was going and the choices I was making. I know am I where I am supposed to be but then there is always the doubt in the back of my mind is this right do I want to be here. I know I need to be here I just need to find the reason.

I have started taking institute this semester it has changed my perspective in life. As many of you know I am a returned missionary and I am 24 and not married and I get the question quite often what is wrong with you? Why aren't you married? I never know what to say but I am not ready to be tied down to someone forever. I still need to get an education. I have two institute classes I am not registered I just go with my friends. I go to the morning one with Abi who is so awesome and loving. I love her so much. I  go to a Tuesday night one with another friend. That class has me thinking. The teacher asked us a question this week and said What do you want from Christ? I thought about it and the only thing I could think of was... I want someone in my life who loves me for me, who loves the silly quirks about me, one who will take me at my worst and still love me as they do when I am at my best. I want someone who is worthy of me. I want to be worthy of them. I want them to love the Savior more than they love me. I want a temple marriage. I just want to be happy with my life where I am and where I am going. Most importantly I want my Heavenly Father to love me and be proud of me.

I go to school everyday, it is a lonely place. No one knows the battles you are fighting no one know whats its like to be you. Only you and Jesus Christ because he suffered for your sins and he loves you know matter what. I know school is hard and it seems like it isn't worth it at times but it is. Put forth the effort and you will succeed it may not be with the grades you want but you will succeed.

I know that life is hard and full of heart ache but you are never fighting this alone. Your heavenly father loves you never forget that! He is always there for you! He is waiting for you to talk to him through prayer. Life seems hard now but when you look back you will think it wasn't so bad. Never lose sight of your goals. Keep fighting for them. Someone is always routing for you on the side lines. Stand up for what you believe in. Until next time Peace out Cub Scout! Keep the Faith!

My Best Friend!

I have a best friend! Her name is Jynette! She is the most amazing, selfless and loving person I know. She would do anything for you. She became my best friend when I had no one I only had negative outlook on life. She taught me how to love myself for me. She taught me that I am important, she taught me to forgive people. When I met this girl I just got off my mission and I was not a happy person. I was so negative and didn't care about life anymore. I didn't care who I hurt. I was done. She never once gave up on me. She always believes in me even when I don't. Now that I am at school she always gives me pep talks on how to stay positive as my heart is so sad she is there to make it smile and she feels it with such cheer. She is the most incredible person I have ever met. We have the greatest adventures together. She listens to me cry, we make faces at each other that is how we tell each other we love one another.We laugh really hard when we are tired after working a night. I sneak attack her and it is my favorite. Everything we do is a we thing not a me or I its we. I run half marathons but you best bet it is a we thing not just a Jill thing. She always said Jill are you trying to kill us and I just run. She makes me laugh when my heart is crying, she makes me laugh so hard I cry. She is my best friend! I am so lucky to have her. I love her so much! She helps me remember to Keep the Faith! Jynette I am so glad you are my best friend and that I have you in my life I don't know what I would do without you! Especially this semester you got me through the struggles. My heart is so full of gratitude for this girl! I love you!

With Christ all things are possible!

As many of you know I have a rough semester this semester but I know that with Christ Nothing is IMPOSSIBLE because I survived my mission, that was a real struggle. From a mission President who hated me and then rumors. I have come to the conclusion that as we put all of our faith and trust in Christ and give him all of our worries life will get better. I give him two hours of my week every Tuesday morning I wake up at 3:56 am so I can go to the 5:30 session yes it is early but I know that as I give him my time he will give me enough time to do everything I need to do. He gives me the strength to make it through. He is the one who is wiping my tears away every night when people think I am okay. He is the one hugging me and letting me know I am cared about. He has never once left me alone. Not even in my darkest days. My mom asked me if I needed to only go once a month and I know every week is going to help me pass all my classes and to better myself.
I know this may not mean anything to you but it means the world to me. I got a 2/15 on my lab quiz I am moving up in the world. I have told myself everyday it doesn't matter we just need to pass. Every week day after day the tears have come and gone. Every night I cry myself to sleep because I didn't understand and I just didn't know what else to do. I have been praying really hard to my father in heaven and I know that he is helping me. The stuff is sticking in my head a little better I don't get so panicked when I go in there. I know that he is helping me every step of the way.
I know that with him anything is possible because at mile 22 of my marathon when I couldn't do anything else but walk he gave me the power to run he took the pain away just for that little bit to help me accomplish something I thought was impossible. Nothing is impossible if we just believe and trust him. I know that life is hard at times but he puts people in our life at the right time even if it is just for a few days, weeks, or a year or forever. He puts them in to help you. I have this friend who is truly my best friend we do crazy things together and I know that I can be me around her I don't have to be someone else. She is someone who I know that I can trust from the first time I met her I knew we would be best friends. We go on random adventures and sometimes people wonder why we hang out together. She makes me so happy! I am truly the lucky one to have her in my life.

Nothing is impossible with Christ. I have seen that many times in my life. Sometimes I lose sight of whats at the end of the tunnel but I know that he is there always. He will always love me even when I feel like I don't deserve it.
Life is hard! The struggle is real. It may feel like you are never going to get out of the rut but it will come you always have to hit rock bottom and be there for awhile until you can see the good in life again. I know that to be true. I have learned that this week. He answers every pray in his time. I prayed last week for someone to care and to just love me. I woke up one morning and my uncle was making breakfast and made me a lunch. I know to him that was super simple but it meant the world to me because I felt for the first time that week that I mattered to someone and that I was loved. He was truly an answer to my prayers. He doesn't know that but he was. That day everything seemed not so bad. Even though it was it seemed much smoother to know that at least one person cared about me that day! I know my parents love me but when you are away from them you always need that extra boost.
Have a great week! Live the dream every day! Pray always he will always hear you! It is in his time! Go to Heaven Mart!

Marathon Accomplished

What a dream come true! I ran my very first marathon on my birthday! It was awesome! It was fun until mile 22 when my body decided it was done and was not going to run the last four I was like you got to be kidding me! I finished the race. I ran with all I had. I got blisters to prove it and I lost a toe nail a week later. It was so great to do it on my 24th birthday! I lived the dream, Some lady walked the last 4 miles with me. She was complaining about how bad her legs hurt and in my head I was like I feel ya I feel ya! Everything was great until Sunday when the pain set in and I had to go to church and I was not going to wear flip flops to church! Everyone asked what I did and I was like I ran a marathon. Monday was the worst. I went to school with a mighty good limp. Everyone looked at me funny I didn't care. It was a great adventure!
I love to run but marathons not my forte but a half is for sure. I will continue to run and live the dream everyday. Marathons are hard but they are worth it. I am so glad I had the courage to start and the determination to finish. It would of been so easy to quit but there is the inner voice that says my mom didn't raise a quitter. I may never be fast enough for Boston and that is totally fine with me. I run because it helps me make it through the day and the week. I run my worries away I do my best thinking out there. I run to feel the wind in my hair. To run my struggles away. I run to calm my fears.
People think I am crazy and that is okay. I don't do it for you I do it for myself, I do it for the adrenaline I do it for the feeling of accomplishment. I do it to prove to myself nothing is impossible! Running is a way of life. It doesn't matter if you win it just matters if you finish the race! Race days are fun you meet many new people and sometimes run into old friends.
Life is hard at time and when it gets hard run! Run with all you have! I have come to learn the running can make a bad day good and a good day better. It has the possibility to make  anything better. A few scrapped knees and blisters never hurt anyone!
RUN HARD! DREAM BIG! NEVER LOSE SIGHT OF YOUR DREAMS!! Keep the faith! Peace out cub scout!